


A Matter of Faith

by Arionrhod, McKay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 16:31:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 29,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10994694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arionrhod/pseuds/Arionrhod, https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKay/pseuds/McKay
Summary: In the years following the end of the war, Remus Lupin sought to gain peace and healing by joining the brotherhood of Downside Abbey. He thinks he's found his path until Severus Snape shows up and throws his life and his choices into confusion.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2006.

"And as Saint Benedict advises us, my brothers and sisters, do not let the sun go down on your anger. Make peace in your heart every night so that you may greet the dawn of each new day with praises upon your lips, and with the joy of knowing that you go forth to do God's work, for the praise and glory of his name, Amen. Let us pray..." 

Silence descended on the assembled congregation, monks and the guests alike bowing their heads in reverence in the semidarkness of the chapel. Remus schooled his own thoughts to tranquility, giving joyful thanks for the peace of this day and praying to find it yet again on the morrow. He had known many days of peace now, more than ever before in his life, and for a man such as himself, haunted by ghosts and curses which had plagued him for almost the whole of his life, it was a rare gift indeed. 

Softly, the voices of the choir rose, the harmonious tones of the monks chanting the Salve Regina to close the Compline service. 

_Salve, Regina, Mater misericordiae,_

_Vita, dulcedo, et spes nostra, salve._

_Ad te clamamus, exsules filii Hevae,_

_Ad te suspiramus, gementes et flentes_

_In hac lacrimarum valle._

Remus' added his voice to theirs, his heart feeling the words in English even as he chanted the Latin. 

_Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy,_

_our life, our sweetness and our hope._

_To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve;_

_to thee do we send up our sighs,_

_mourning and weeping in this vale of tears._

Remus had done his share of mourning and weeping over the course of two wars and the deaths of more loved ones than he cared to count. But he stilled his heart, letting the soothing phrases of the hymn remind him that even for those such as he, there were places where it was still possible to find healing and acceptance. That all men suffered, but that the holy Church and the grace of God were there to offer sanctuary to even the most battered soul. 

The Downside Abbey was one such place, and as the chant swelled, Remus lifted his eyes to the vaulted ceiling which arched overhead, its farthest reaches lost in the dimness of the candles that provided the only light used for this service. Remus could hear how the human voices rang high upon the ancient stones, bouncing back doubled and redoubled as though the voices of all the monks who had ever worshipped in this place were being replayed, adding their voices to the joyous sounds of devotion. 

It was such a powerful feeling that it almost seemed like magic, and although no one here practiced Wizardry, Remus wouldn't be surprised if divine inspiration created a magic all its own. His spirits rose with the voices, and as the last phrase died away, Remus held his breath, wanting to cling to the uplifting sensation for as long as he possibly could. 

As with all things, however, it had to end, and Remus sighed. Tomorrow night, however, it would be the same, and he could stand once again with the worshippers and join them in the celebration of peace. For now, however, he joined the line of people who were departing the chapel, feeling the cool sprinkle of Holy Water upon his face as the Abbot, the head of the Benedictine Community of St. Gregory the Great, blessed each person, sending layman and monk alike off to the Summum Silentium, the silence of the night which St. Benedict commanded in his Rule. 

There wasn't a sound beyond the soft shuffle of feet as the monks made their way toward their dormitory to spend the time between now and Lauds - the second of the morning services - in a combination of sleep and prayer. Remus stood on the grounds, watching the sway of their black robes, darker shadows against the dimness of the English twilight. He smiled softly to himself, wishing them well and yearning for the day not quite a month hence when he would take his own vows and join them, his brothers for the rest of his life. 

But that time had not yet come, and he turned away, walking slowly back toward the Monastery guesthouse, where he was staying in retreat until the time arrived for him to join the Brotherhood fully. As a seeker to the vocation, he attended services with them and took meals with them in the refectory, but at night, he was once again on his own, out in the "real world", or as close to it as he could bear to be. It was a long way from London, from Hogwarts, and from the Wizarding world, but it was here that Remus had chosen to be, and, amazingly enough, he had been chosen in return. 

The Abbot knew of his lycanthropy, and what was more, he hadn't even been surprised by it. Muggle though the Abbot was, he was no less familiar with the wizards and witches of this world than he was with the angels and demons of the next. Remus supposed he shouldn't have been surprised, but he had been, especially at the acceptance he had found. Henri had said he would find as much when he had suggested Remus try a retreat at Downside at the time when Remus' heart had been shattered into pieces and his life had seemed bleaker than it ever had before, but Remus couldn't help being skeptical. 

The end of the War and the death of Voldemort had been a release for many, but by the time Remus had counted up his dead, he had felt as though he had little reason to go on living at all. In despair, he had turned to a friend, a priest who was also a wizard and a werewolf. Father Henri Manette was the Alpha of a werewolf pack with whom Remus had spent some time during the war while recruiting assistance for the Order, and he and Remus had formed a deep and immediate friendship, based on a recognition in each other of a kindred spirit. 

Sensing the wounded soul within Remus, Henri had gently urged Remus to take a holiday, recommending that he go to an old friend who was head of a Monastery in the south of England. Trusting Henri's judgment - and having little else to do - Remus had taken the suggestion, not expecting any more from it than to remove himself from the world for a time. He had been born and raised Catholic, a legacy from his Muggle mother, but his faith had been long gone by the time he had made his way to Downside Abbey, where he had not been questioned about his reason for coming, but had simply been welcomed with open arms. 

That was three years ago, and now, after an emotional and spiritual journey which was unlike anything Remus could ever have imagined, he stood on the threshold of one of the most momentous occasions of his life, about to enter into a joining that would give him a place to belong for the rest of his days. 

_Soon_ , he thought tranquilly, content to wait. For the first time in his life, his future was secure, and he had a purpose and a sense of belonging. He would never have a spouse, a mate or offspring, but he would have brothers and students and a Father to share his life, to guide him and comfort him, and to be guided and comforted by him in turn. For a cursed, penniless werewolf, it was more than he ever dreamed he could achieve. 

The scent of roses wafted toward him on the warm night air, and he found his feet turning of their own volition toward the garden walk. The moon, three days from being full, cast long shadows down the path, but Remus had no fear of the darkness, not in this place. The white gravel of the walk glowed, and he wandered aimlessly among the summer foliage, giving silent thanks for the beauty around him and the stillness of his heart. 

Severus strode purposefully along the path, his booted feet crunching on the gravel as he sought his quarry. The hunt had taken longer than expected, but it had proved fruitful in the end, although he was surprised it had led him here, of all places. 

A lone figure wandered up ahead, and Severus peered at it; even though the moon was growing full, it didn't shed enough light for him to see clearly, but judging from the figure's height, build and profile, he thought he had found Remus Lupin at last. 

Remus was walking slowly, thus it only took a little effort to catch up, and his lip curled in a sneer as he drew nearer and saw Remus was wearing the robes of a monk. It was a jarring surprise as well as a disappointment; he had never pegged Remus for the type to sequester himself in a monastery. It struck him as odd, and he wondered what had prompted the decision; somehow he doubted a sudden, profound religious conversation was behind it, and he burned with curiosity to know what the real reason was. 

"Well, well, well," he drawled, his tone scathing. "What have we here? A wolf wearing Lamb's clothing." 

With a muffled cry of surprise - the discipline of the nightly silence had taken root for Remus already, even though, for him, it was not yet a sin to break it - Remus turned, eyes widening as he stared in shock at his unexpected visitor. There was no mistaking the tall, rather menacing form who stood before him, pale skin luminous in the moonlight, eyes like glittering black stones. Remus didn't have to see the sneer on Severus' lips; he could hear it in the deep tones of Severus' voice, and he unconsciously straightened his back, although mentally, he chastised himself for the sins of anger and pride Severus' words immediately aroused in him. 

"Even werewolves are the children of God, and even the darkest soul can find salvation," Remus replied, his tones hushed. Now that his surprise had worn off, Remus felt a complex mixture of emotions as he looked at Severus, at someone from a life he had left behind with few regrets. But even though Severus was a jarring reminder of things Remus would rather keep safely packed in the cocoon of peaceful acceptance in which he had buried them, he couldn't deny a sense of curiosity at why Severus had come here. Perhaps it was nothing more than coincidence, although Remus had long ago learned to mistrust things which appeared to happen by accident. 

"Is there something I can do for you, Severus? If you are looking for the chapel, it's back along the path. The last service of the day is over, but if you wish to pray, no one will turn you away." 

Remus was glad that his voice was steady, his tone tranquil. No matter what Severus' purpose here, it was better to show no weakness in front of Severus; the man could find the tiniest chink in one's armor, and he wouldn't hesitate to worry at it until it became a gaping hole. 

Severus let out a mocking laugh, making no attempt to hide his amusement at the idea. "I? Bleat in the chapel along with the other sheep? No, thank you. That isn't what I came for." 

It was on the tip of Remus' tongue to take exception to Severus' words, but he reminded himself that he knew Severus well. Severus was trying to goad him, and the only way to deal with it was to do what he had done for years, no matter what Severus said or did. _Peace_ , he thought, taking a breath and reminding himself of what he had discovered here. The past was gone, and Remus had a future now. 

"I see," he replied, giving Severus a smile that he hoped looked serene. "Well, everyone must find their own path to redemption. I hope you find yours, as I have found mine." Remus paused, and then he decided he really had no choice but to ask the obvious. "If you aren't here for prayer, Severus, then why have you come?" 

Severus studied Remus in silence for a moment, taking in his new demeanor. Remus had always projected an outer calm, a trait that had often infuriated Severus in the past when he wanted nothing more than to ruffle Remus' feathers. But now, it seemed to go deeper, as if the peace he showed on the outside came from within rather than having been constructed and worn like a mask. It was an unexpected change, but one that Severus didn't intend to let stand in his way. 

It had taken time, but he too had found his peace and regained his sense of purpose. He knew what he wanted. And he intended to get it. 

Closing the distance between them, he moved into Remus' personal space, letting Remus feel the overlap of their body heat in the cool night air, and he reached out to frame Remus' face between his hands. Stroking Remus' cheeks gently with his thumbs, he bent his head and brushed his lips against Remus', finding them soft and warm and utterly tempting. With a soft moan at tasting what he'd dreamt of for so long, he deepened the kiss, skimming his tongue along Remus' bottom lip as he sought entrance. 

If he was wrong about Remus, no doubt he would find himself knocked on his arse for his pains, but if he was right... Well, the die had been cast, and Severus hoped for once, Fate would be on his side. 

Of all the things that Remus had expected to happen, Severus Snape kissing him was definitely not among them. 

He had grown wary when Severus stepped closer, and he had stiffened instinctively at the feeling of Severus' hands on his face. Yet he hadn't pulled away, his eyes widening as he stopped breathing, stopped _thinking_ , the warm press of Severus' lips driving everything else from his mind. 

There were things about himself that Remus had accepted long ago, back in his life-that-had-been. One of them was that he was attracted to both men and women, a symptom, he had often thought, of his desire to please everyone and find the acceptance he found so elusive. He was not inexperienced sexually with either gender, but neither had he allowed himself to indulge often in pleasures of the flesh. It was too complicated, too dangerous, and ultimately, as he had discovered when Tonks had died in the war, too painful to love. 

But despite his long standing celibacy, or perhaps because of it, he felt himself responding to the seductive slide of Severus' tongue, the sound of Severus' moan shooting tingles along his spine like a bolt of lightning. His lips parted on a sigh, and Remus felt his eyes closing, his body swaying as if to move closer to Severus, to accept the temptation being so blatantly offered. 

The chapel bells tolled the hour of nine, and his obedience to the summons of the Liturgy of the Hours caused Remus to stiffen once more. With a gasp, Remus broke away, taking several steps back from Severus, the gravel crunching beneath his sandals as he nearly stumbled. Eyes wide with horror, he strove to find his equilibrium, his lips moving in what should have been the prayer for None, but the words weren't anything more than a weak denial of what had just happened. 

As the last peal of the bells died away, Remus shuddered, panting heavily until he could summon enough breath to speak. "I don't know why you did that, but it doesn't matter," he said, desperately seeking his inner peace, the balance which had been his mainstay, his joy. For the first time in over a year, it eluded him completely, making him feel as though he were adrift in a stormy sea with no port in sight. Severus desired him for a reason Remus couldn't fathom, but the wolf instinctively recognized it as genuine desire. The world had tilted on its axis, becoming surreal, and Remus reached out for the one truth that he could still find. "I'm promised to God." 

The worst part was, Remus wasn't certain if he were trying to convince Severus or himself. 

Severus let out a derisive snort. Remus may have found his peace through faith, but promising himself to God was doomed to failure. Remus was an earthly being, a creature of sensuality in all aspects of the word, and he had no business shutting himself away in this place. He wouldn't thrive; he would waste away, his wild nature languishing for lack of stimulation. 

"Then you're a fool," Severus retorted, moving forward and snaking his hand out to capture Remus', holding it tightly. "God can't make you feel the way that kiss did. You don't belong here, and if you hold to this promise you've made, you will wither and die." 

He tugged Remus' hand, trying to urge him close again, his voice a low and sultry purr. "You may have found peace in this refuge, but it must be a temporary measure. It's time to enter the world again, and I have come to fetch you." 

Temptation... if there had ever been a Serpent in the Garden, this was it in a fashion far more literal that Remus had thought possible. He didn't understand why Severus wanted him, but the desire was there between them, as real as their joined hands. Desperately, Remus looked for his faith, for the font of strength that had led him and kept him here. 

Monastery life wasn't easy, but Remus hadn't been looking for a life of leisure. The vows of poverty and obedience were as nothing to him after the life of privation he had lived. The practice of service, likewise, was nothing to him, and he looked forward to days spent teaching the young men of the school and nights spent in quiet prayer. Chastity hadn't even occurred to him as being a temptation; it was simply a non-issue. 

Until now. 

A part of Remus he had thought dried up and dead suddenly sprang to heart-pounding life, sending the blood coursing through his veins like fire. He didn't know why Severus was here and apparently bent on luring Remus away from the life he was making for himself and the path he had chosen, but Remus knew he must not give in. No matter how much the wolf within was clamoring for release, to be allowed to take what Severus seemed to be offering. 

His lycanthropy was Dark, but not evil. The only evil to be found was in his own actions, by what he chose to do or not to do. Faith was what gave one the strength to stand against evil, whether the vexing impulses were from outside or from within oneself. Faith was both weapon and defense, and Remus was horrified by how difficult it was to find his when he needed it so desperately. 

"No," he said, ignoring the tingles which shot up his arm from the grasp of Severus' hand. He yanked his hand away, backing away from Severus. "You're wrong. You have no right to say these things. You have no right..." _to tempt me with lies. Whatever reason he gives for being here, it must be a lie._

"Perhaps I don't have the right, but I have the duty to warn you of the colossal mistake you are making," Severus retorted. "I can scarcely believe no one has tried to talk you out of this before. Do they have so little understanding of you that they fail to realize what being shut away here will do to you, or do they simply not care? And you - are you _trying_ to suffocate your own spirit? 

He gazed at Remus, feeling both pity and censure as he studied Remus' quiet, subdued manner. "I'm disappointed in you, Remus. You always seemed to be a survivor, facing your obstacles rather than running away, no matter how often life tried to beat you down. In that, I thought we were alike. Perhaps I was wrong." 

Remus blinked. _He called me by my given name... he's never done that before. Never._

The entire situation was totally beyond Remus' comprehension. Severus _hated_ him and always had. Hated him for being who and what he was, never missing any opportunity to tell him so in the most derisive ways possible. Severus had cost him his job, had revealed his secret. How could he possibly be here _now_ , three years after the end of the war, barging into Remus' life and disrupting his security? Why would he _care_ what Remus was doing or how he had chosen to live his life? 

It could only be for vengeance, Remus decided, latching on to the one possibility that felt familiar in relation to Severus. Perhaps the scent of desire the wolf could detect was nothing more than the effects of a lust potion. Severus was a master of his craft, after all, both as Potions master and spy. Even if he had been vindicated for Albus' death, had been an actual hero in the war, Remus knew that Severus was no saint, and that his thirst for revenge ran deep indeed. Remus needed to remember that and not be fooled. It must have been the shock of seeing Severus again so unexpectedly which had thrown him off balance and shaken him so badly. Now that he understood what must be happening, he felt more grounded. 

"I see," he said, once again reaching for his inner calm and finding some measure of it. "Perhaps we are alike, in some ways. We both have a darkness within us, don't we? We both have survived against all the odds. We have faced our own deaths, and... we have both killed." Remus' voice was raw with pain as he faced again the inner demon which was the source of so much of his pain. "Faith and the Church saved my life, gave me a purpose and a place to belong when I had none, when I wanted nothing more than to die. I'm not here to suffocate my spirit, but to finally find peace and redemption. If we are as alike as you have claimed, I would think you could understand that." 

Severus scrutinized Remus with narrowed eyes, listening intently to what Remus said as well as what he didn't say. He could hear the pain in Remus' voice, but while he had a certain amount of understanding, even sympathy for what Remus had suffered, he had no intention of letting Remus wallow in it. No, what Remus needed was a good shaking up, and Severus was just the one to do it. 

Not now, however. Remus was on guard and defensive, and anything Severus said now would fall on deaf ears, because Remus didn't _want_ to hear it. It would take patience and determination to wear him down, but Severus had never let anything stand in the way of reaching his goal, including a certain stubborn werewolf's resolution to run away. 

"Fine!" He infused his voice with disgust and threw up both hands. "Have it your way. "You call it peace. I call it running away, but I refuse to stand here and belabor the point." 

Which was true enough. He didn't intend to remain and argue; instead, he would retreat and regroup, and he would be back when he had figured out how best to begin storming the barricades Remus had erected around himself. 

Pivoting on his heel, he stormed off in a presumed huff, not once looking back. 

Remus stared at Severus' retreating back until he was swallowed by the darkness, frowning in renewed confusion. It was unlike Severus to give up so easily, especially in matters of vengeance. Severus could be single-minded when it came to hatred, and it made Remus uneasy at the way Severus had left, his sudden capitulation having a disturbing air of unfinished business about it. 

Sighing, Remus turned back toward the chapel. There was peace in prayer, and from the way he felt right now, Remus thought he might be spending the rest of the night trying to find it.

* * *

"Thank you for coming, Remus. I hope it isn't too soon after your ordeal?" 

The Abbot's voice was full of concern, and Remus smiled as he took the proffered hand, feeling the warmth and strength of the Abbot's clasp. "No, Father. I was fatigued yesterday, but I am much better today. Thank you for sending Brother Esteban to check on me; the soup was very much appreciated as well." 

"You're welcome, my son," the Abbot replied, smiling as he gestured toward one of the comfortable chairs in front of his desk, a silent invitation for Remus to sit. "You're one of us in all but the formalities, after all. We care for you as one of our own." 

Abbot Young moved to take the seat behind the polished mahogany desk, and from this, Remus knew the visit was more along the lines of "official business" rather than a personal conversation. Brother Esteban had delivered the request along with the soup, making it seem like an unofficial summons, but for informal chats, the Abbot tended to prefer the intimacy of the sofa and chairs on the other side of his office rather than the more formal - and in a very real way, authoritative - position behind the desk. 

"Thank you. That means a great deal to me," Remus said, meaning it with every fiber of his being. He did belong here among the quiet serenity of the brotherhood, despite what Severus had said. He wanted to be here, and he was accepted in return. It had taken long hours of prayer and reflection to deal with the unease Severus' visit had sown within him, but he had managed it. Through the power of faith and the grace of God, he had banished his demons... hopefully permanently. 

"As you have probably guessed, I haven't asked you here for just a chat," Abbot Young said, and Remus nodded. "In fact, it seems that you have the opportunity to do our Order a service, if you are willing. A special case is coming to the retreat which begins tomorrow, a case which you are in a unique position to understand." 

Remus' eyes widened. "Of course I'll help, Father," he said at once. "Anything you ask. I owe you and the brotherhood so much already, and I am happy to help in any way I can." 

"Excellent!" Father Young smiled, obviously pleased with Remus' eagerness. "Normally we wouldn't ask someone not under vows to mentor a person who is on a vocational retreat, but you have less than a month until then, and there are other considerations in this case. You have something significant in common with him, and that is more important." 

"Another werewolf?" Remus asked, feeling a surge of sympathy for the unknown man. Remus was the only werewolf here at the Abbey at the moment, but he was not the first to ever join the brotherhood. He of all people understood the need a lycanthrope often felt to atone, and he was humbled by the trust the Abbot was placing in him to give him stewardship over a soul in need. 

"Actually, no." The Abbot smiled. "I meant a different commonality - he's a Wizard. You of all people know the challenges faced in giving up a gift like magic, of denying a part of yourself because The Rule requires it of us." 

Remus felt a sudden knot of dread form in his stomach, and he told himself sternly to stop being foolish. It couldn't be... "A Wizard, Father?" 

"Yes. In fact, he specifically requested that you mentor him during the retreat, as he knows you and feels comfortable with you. I explained that you were not yet a monk in fact, but he didn't seem to mind. He seems to believe you are uniquely qualified to help him in this, and I agree. He said you went to school together, actually. Do you remember a man named Severus Snape?" 

The knot in his gut suddenly seemed to explode, and Remus gasped in horrified dismay. "Father... I... cannot believe this man is serious about exploring a vocation," Remus said hurriedly. "He... he and I have a rather checkered history, one far more recent than our school years. He was a spy during the war. A double agent. And he hates me." 

"I believe you are quite wrong about that," the Abbot replied calmly, seeming unfazed by Remus objection. "He told me you were estranged over his actions in the war, but he wishes to repent and receive forgiveness for his sins. Part of that, he made quite clear, was receiving your forgiveness as well. As a man who has faced his demons, I'm sure you can understand that." 

Remus shook his head. "Father, this man was a spy. He fought for the side of the Light, it's true, but... he's..." Remus paused, searching for words that could explain the history between himself and Severus. "He came here the other night, and he told me I was a fool for wanting to remain here. He said we were too much alike, and that being here would suffocate me. He was trying to get me to leave, he..." 

The Abbot held up a hand, and he looked at Remus, seeming to gaze through him in a way that reminded Remus disturbingly of Albus Dumbledore. "My son, ours is not to question when the faith moves a soul, but to try to nurture it if we can. If he is false in his desire or in his nature, he will not remain. And if you are true in yours, you will not be tempted to leave. He has asked for your help and for your absolution. As a man of God and a monk of this Order, it is your duty not only to seek forgiveness, but to grant it when it is asked of you as well. Would you deny this man, Remus? Remember, it is among our teachings that as you do to one, so you do to all." 

There was no argument Remus could possibly bring to that. The Abbot spoke not only from a position of authority, but also from a foundation of absolute faith. This was a test of Remus' faith, and he knew it; if he were to deny his duty, to refuse Severus in this, he could not remain at the Abbey. He would have failed to do the very things which four weeks hence he was going to take a formal vow to do for the rest of his life. 

"Yes, Father, I understand," Remus replied, his voice much quieter than his racing thoughts. Unfortunately, there was a great deal of difference between understanding and peaceful acceptance. "I will do as you ask." 

Abbot Young smiled, and Remus thought there was more than a little sympathy in his eyes. "Thank you, my son. You will see this is as necessary for you in as many ways as it is for him. We all are here in this Abbey for a common reason, you know... not because it is easy, but because it is hard. But your faith will sustain you, through this as through all else. Look within yourself, Remus, and do what you know is right. This is the only way to true redemption." 

Remus nodded. The decision was made, and all he could do was what the Abbot had said. "I'll try, Father. I promise you that I will do the best that I can." 

The blue eyes twinkled, and again Remus was reminded of someone else, someone who had also been very wise. Someone who had died in order to do what was right for the world, sacrificed himself for those he loved. Remus wondered if Albus Dumbledore had consciously been emulating the example of the Lamb who had died for them all, and perhaps if he had been even firmer in his faith than Remus had ever imagined. 

"Go now, my son, and pray..." Abbot Young said gently. "And know that my prayers will also be with you." 

"Thank you, Father," Remus replied, rising to his feet. The Abbot rose as well, making the sign of the cross before him and giving Remus his blessing, and then Remus turned, leaving the office and heading once more toward the chapel. 

Tomorrow, the greatest test of Remus' life would begin. He could only hope that his faith would be enough to see him through.

* * *

"Welcome to Downside Abbey. I am Abbot Young. We are pleased to see so many of you here to explore the call to a religious life." 

Standing with three of the Brethren on the dais of the small meeting room, Remus schooled his features to serenity and looked out at the men who had come for the retreat. Some of them were answering a call, while others might just be curious, but they were all equally accepted in the eyes of God. Even the dark-haired man who was to be Remus' special responsibility, and who, Remus felt, was there for reasons far less noble than those of anyone else. 

Remus deliberately forced himself to look at the other men first. There were nine others besides Severus, most of them looking little older than Harry and Ron as he had last seen them. They were young men of different races, different backgrounds, different upbringings, but all of them answering the same still, small Voice which spoke within their hearts. 

The Abbot was explaining the schedule, the lessons on the Rule of Saint Benedict, the history of the Order, and the routine and duties of the monks. Remus could read the avid interest on those eager young faces, see the burning in more than one pair of eyes as the Abbot spoke of the love of God and the community of the Brotherhood. These were men who believed, who had come to find something the secular world couldn't offer. It varied in each case, but the desire had all led them to a common place, one uniquely qualified to nourish the soul through the obedience of the mind and body. 

Abbot Young explained about the Sacraments, and when the Rite of Reconciliation was mentioned, Remus' gaze at last moved to Severus, his dark hair standing out against the pale cream of the wall behind him. Would Severus go to confession, as was required? And if so, would he risk either exposing his plan by telling the truth, or committing a sin by omitting it? 

Severus listened to the Abbot attentively, taking note of the rules, routines and duties; as long as he was here, he would obey out of respect for the institution even if his motives for being here were less pure than the other men beside him. In spite of what Remus might think after their encounter a few nights before, Severus didn't disdain religion or the vocation in general; he had wrestled enough with the issue of faith in his life to understand its importance, and it wasn't the fact that Remus had found faith that he objected to, but rather that Remus was hiding behind it. 

Outwardly, he appeared to be oblivious to Remus' presence, his attention focused on Abbot Young, but in truth, he was keenly aware of Remus, something deep within his soul attuned to Remus' quiet presence. He longed for the time when he could speak privately with Remus and begin his attempt to burrow beneath Remus' defenses. He had a few weeks left before Remus took his vows and was lost to him forever, and he intended to make the most of that time. 

The Abbot began taking questions, and the eager, earnest young men raised their hands, but Severus took the opportunity to let his gaze stray to Remus for the first time, watching Remus and making little effort to hide the hunger in his eyes as he devoured the sight of Remus' face, ordinary to the world, yet beautiful to him. 

Severus hadn't been looking in his direction when Remus glanced his way, and so he let his eyes linger, studying Severus intently as though he could divine the other man's thoughts by the expression on his face. Remus had neither magic nor Legilimency to aid him, and Severus was the most powerful Occlumens Remus had ever known; all Remus could perceive was intense concentration on Severus' face, an expression as focussed as any of the other candidates. He only just managed to repress a sigh. 

When the questioning began, Remus turned his attention back to the others, answering the inquiries Abbot Young directed to him. All of the brothers were asked about their reasons for joining, and Remus spoke briefly of his desire for a life of peace and service, and of how he had been heart sick and lonely for so long, but had found healing in the practice of his faith and the community of the Order. It was more complex than that, of course, but the answer satisfied the questioner, and the Abbot moved on. 

Once the focus of the room left him, Remus became aware of another regard, one that somehow alerted the wolf within to the presence of danger. Instinctively, Remus looked at Severus once more, drawing in a silent gasp as their gazes locked. Severus' eyes burned, the heat in them almost scorching Remus where he stood. 

He couldn't look away, that predatory gaze causing the wolf within to raise its hackles. A slow flush rose in Remus' cheeks, and his own eyes flashed golden as the wolf answered the challenge before Remus could stop it. 

Severus listened with particular interest when Remus began to explain why he had come to the monastery and why he had chosen to take the vows. He dismissed the prating about a desire for peace and servitude; that was just empty noise as far as Severus was concerned, a cover for the real reasons, which he suspected lay in Remus' comments about being heartsick and lonely. Remus thought he had found companionship here, but he was wrong; what he had found was a way to be around people without becoming attached to them, thus keeping himself safe from harm. Having mastered that art over his lifetime, Severus could see it clearly. 

Unless Severus missed his guess, it seemed the war and its accompanying losses had damaged Remus, perhaps broken his spirit. Severus could understand that. But Severus also knew that crawling in a hole and never coming out again was not a viable option for a true survivor, and Remus was a survivor. What he needed, in Severus' opinion, was a reminder that even a shattered soul could be mended. It would be flawed and cracked and perhaps not as pretty as it was before, but it would be whole again. 

Of all people, Severus knew whereof he spoke. 

Had Remus not responded to his kiss, he wouldn't have returned to the monastery. That kiss had revealed secrets, whether Remus realized it or not. Remus hadn't pulled back or pushed Severus away, and his first words had not been, "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in you that way." No, he had issued a reminder - perhaps to Severus or perhaps to himself - that he belonged to God. Hardly the words of a man who found Severus undesirable. There was something between them, and Remus knew it. 

Even now, Remus' eyes were glowing in a way that had nothing to do with spiritual zeal; the light in his eyes was earthly and carnal, and the golden glow warmed Severus to the core. He wanted to see the wolf rising in Remus' eyes; it would be his ally in this venture, for no doubt it had no more desire to be repressed, locked away in a fortress of ice and solitude, than Severus desired to see it repressed. 

A small, pleased smile tugged at the corners of his mouth when he noticed the attractive flush rising in Remus' cheeks. It too answered Severus' unspoken questions, telling him more than he imagined Remus wanted him to know. He had a chance. Remus' heart was battered and broken, but his spirit was still strong. 

After the questions were all answered, the Abbot bade them all to find their assigned quarters in the guesthouse and settle in while they had some free time in their schedule, but while the others filed out, Severus lingered behind, stopping Remus with a touch on his arm. 

"I understand the Abbot has acquiesced to my request for a particular mentor," he said. His tone was bland, but the gleam in his eyes was not. "I look forward to working closely with you."

Remus had hoped to slip away from the meeting unnoticed, desperately needing a few minutes alone to gather himself. The look he and Severus had exchanged left him feeling flustered, and he wanted to have a chance to reassemble his defenses before having to face Severus directly. As rattled as he was from a mere meeting of eyes, he knew he wasn't ready to deal with Severus one on one.

Unfortunately, Severus seemed in no hurry to depart, and Remus hastily brought up the shield of detached politeness which he hadn't needed in the last three years. He needed it, to help him deal with Severus standing close and reaching out to touch him.

"Yes," Remus replied, hating the neutral, almost dead tone of his voice. He'd forgotten how it felt to have to mask his real feelings, but he had no choice at the moment, not if he were to survive the retreat. "We will begin at the evening meal in the refectory. I will see you then." With a polite but distant smile, Remus turned away.

"That's it?" Severus slid his hand down the length of Remus' arm and curled his fingers around Remus' wrist. "No pithy words of advice? No inspirational talk on the joys of the vocation? You were assigned to mentor me, were you not?" He shot Remus a challenging look, a silent dare designed to rouse the wolf as well as Remus' pride. "So mentor me properly, or I shall be forced to discuss your neglect with Abbot Young."

His arm seemed to burn where Severus had touched, and Remus made an abortive movement to snatch his hand away from Severus' grasp. There were others still in the room, however, talking animatedly only a few feet away, and Remus could not bring himself to make a scene that might embarrass the Abbey. He would simply have to endure it, as yet another test of his faith and his vocation.

Fortunately, he didn't have to endure it in silence. He dropped his voice, his tone pitched for Severus' ears alone. "I will not offer you pithy advice if you are going to stand there and lie about exploring a vocation," he said. A surge of anger welled up within him. "Using the Church and the Abbot as tools to seek revenge seems to me a rather reprehensible sin, Severus. If you believe in sin any more than you believe in forgiveness or sanctity."

"You would be right," Severus said, moving to stand closer to Remus so the others in the room couldn't overhear their conversation. "If I were indeed here to seek revenge on you. I am not." He slid his thumb down and stroked the sensitive underside of Remus' wrist lightly. "I was honest with you about my reasons for seeking you out. Perhaps you should examine the state of your own soul if you cannot recognize the truth when it is staring you in the face."

With that, he bent until they were almost nose to nose, and he captured Remus' gaze, holding it with fierce intensity as he spoke directly to the wolf. "But in case you did not understand the message the other night, I will speak plainly. I am here to offer you freedom and acceptance of a different kind than you will find here. I am here because I want you. I will even swear that out of respect for this hallowed ground, I will neither lie nor prevaricate to you at any time while I am here. You will hear only the truth from me. Whether you can accept it or not is your own affair to deal with."

Remus drew in a startled breath as Severus moved closer to him. Hastily he glanced to the side to see if anyone was observing them, but the rest of the young men seemed absorbed in their own conversations. He kept his hand limp, refusing to let Severus see how the touch was affecting him. He shouldn't allow it to affect him; it was a sin, and between it and the anger, he seemed unable to completely suppress, Remus knew he was going to have a great deal for which to atone.

Why did Severus affect him this way? he wondered, once again trying to reconstruct the defenses he hadn't had to use in a very long time. Only the fact that he had given his word to the Abbot that he would not shirk his duty kept him from denouncing Severus then and there, so desperate was he to be free of the turmoil Severus seemed able to bring forth in him all too easily. There had been a time when his armor had been so thick that nothing Severus said or did could have fazed him, but he had shed it along with his magic, believing that he would never again have need of it. How wrong he had been!

"I examine my soul every day, Severus, and more importantly, so does God," he replied as calmly as he could. The wolf within him was responding to the blatant challenge Severus was offering, and that made it all the more difficult for Remus to keep his temper. "While my faith and my conscience both demand of me that I must forgive you for any wrongs you have done to me, they do not compel me to trust you blindly simply because you claim to tell the truth. You show up here out of the blue, trying to tempt me away from the life I have chosen. Why should I believe that you hate me any less now than you have for all the years we have known one another? Especially when your motives are admittedly selfish?" His eyes flashed again, the wolf raising its head at Remus' anger.

"I don't hate you," Severus replied calmly, still stroking Remus' wrist. He could feel the flutter of Remus' pulse, the rapid tempo speaking of agitation and perhaps something more, belying the limpness of Remus' hand. "I have no desire to hurt you, either. However, I understand your reticence. Short of promising to leave and never return to this place, what would you have me do to prove I mean you no harm?"

It was an unexpected concession, and Remus frowned in thought. Did he dare to even believe that Severus _could_ be telling the truth? His word to the Abbot bound him to his duty, and if nothing else, perhaps this would give him a way by which to survive the retreat and once again find the peace that Severus had rattled so badly.

"All right, if you are offering, I will accept," Remus said. "First, do not touch me or look at me with carnal thoughts. If you do not respect my vocation, at least respect that the Abbey is holy, and lust has no place here."

Severus released Remus' wrist and let his hand fall to his side, inclining his head in acceptance of the terms. "Very well. Despite what you may think, I do respect this place and your vocation. I simply think you are not truly suited for it. However, I will refrain from touching you and looking at you with blatant desire." He paused, and then his mouth curved in a wicked smirk. "I cannot promise not to have carnal thoughts about you at all, but I promise not to act on them, either with you or by myself."

The capitulation was a surprise, but Remus accepted it, using his sudden freedom to take a step back from Severus, ignoring the part of him that was disturbingly reluctant to do so. He ignored the comment about Severus' thoughts as much as he could; hopefully it would be enough that Severus would no longer invade his personal space, confusing him with fleshly temptation. It was the more base and physical nature of the wolf coming to the fore, and Remus needed time to purge himself of those desires, which had never been at issue until Severus stormed back into his life.

"All right," Remus said, nodding in acceptance of Severus' promise. Not that he expected Severus to keep it, but at least it was a start toward regaining the peace he needed so badly. "Second, I want you to go through this retreat sincerely, with an open mind and heart. I know you have no true calling to the monastic life, but the least you can do while you are here is participate and learn what grace there is in the practice of faith."

Severus gave him an incredulous look, amazed that they had known each other for so long, yet Remus understood so little about him. Shaking his head, he chuckled quietly. "Very well, little monk. I agree to your condition. But in return, I want you to ask yourself this: how do you think I could have survived two wars and everything I had to do during those years with my sanity intact if I was not a man of faith?"

His amusement faded, replaced by a sudden intensity as he gazed at Remus, although this time, it was not tinged with lust, but rather a fierce conviction. "Since you seem to have so little grasp of my nature, I will share a basic truth with you: I know who I am. I have wrestled with far greater darkness than you, and I have vanquished it. I am not a nice man nor necessarily a good man, but I am a righteous man." 

There was absolute authority in Severus' voice, and for the first time, Remus believed something that Severus was saying. "I accept that, oddly enough," he replied, a slight smile curving his lips. "That is the whole theme of this retreat, did you know that? Romans 12 - _'For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man a measure of faith.'_ "

"That is the whole theme of my life for the past twenty years or so," Severus said dryly, folding his arms as he drew himself up tall and proud. "Believe me, I will have no difficulty participating in this retreat with sincerity. Now then - have you any other conditions you wish to place upon me?"

"No," Remus replied. "That will be enough, I think. If you are sincere in your claim that you don't wish me ill, then by the end of this retreat, you will see why I belong here and why the purpose and peace I have found here have made me happier than I ever thought I could be."

"Am I meant to behave myself and be convinced while you remain secluded in your little bubble, or will you listen to me and discuss the matter with an open mind?" Severus asked, cocking one eyebrow. If Remus insisted on forcing him to listen but refused to listen in return, then there was little he could accomplish. Their interaction had to go both ways, or else he may as well give up now. "You aren't afraid to listen to a different perspective, are you?" he goaded, hoping to prick Remus' pride.

"I'm not afraid," Remus said firmly, his eyes glittering as the wolf once again took exception to Severus' words and tone. He gritted his teeth in annoyance at himself for letting Severus lure him into a brief moment of trust and connection, before once again reminding Remus of the fact that Remus couldn't trust anything Severus said. "I'll listen and discuss things with you, so long as you hold to your promises." 

Remus paused then, raising a brow in a challenge of his own. "Who knows... perhaps my arguments for staying will convince you to seek entrance to the Brotherhood yourself, rather than yours convincing me to leave it. Are you prepared to take _that_ risk, Severus?"

"Yes." Severus regarded Remus with a stern, implacable expression that enhanced the firm certainty of his tone. "As far as I'm concerned, there is no risk. My faith is strong no matter where I am. I have no need to sequester myself away from the world in order to hold onto it. This place cannot offer me anything I cannot find elsewhere, and if you stay, I will leave, never to return. I came here for you, and I will leave again with or without you to resume my place in the world."

"Then it seems neither of us is in any danger, doesn't it?" Remus asked quietly. "We each know where we want to be, and neither of us will be swayed. Care to call it a draw, then, and each go our own way now, rather than later?" Even as he said it, Remus didn't expect Severus to agree. He wasn't certain if Severus _did_ agree if he would feel more relief or disappointment - and that uncertainty disturbed him almost as much as Severus did.

"Nice try." Severus smiled wolfishly. "But no. I have committed to this retreat, and I will see it through. We shall see where we stand at the end of it." He paused, and then he inclined his head slightly. "We seem to have reached an accord. I would shake on it, but you don't want me to touch you," he added with a hint of amused mockery in his tone.

The mockery struck Remus' pride, and before he could think, he stuck out his hand. "Why should I be afraid of a simple handshake?" he asked. "If, that is, you intend to keep _your_ promise."

Severus clasped Remus' hand, enfolding it in a warm, firm grip as he shook it to seal the bargain. "You have my word on it," he said, waiting to see how long it would be before Remus grew uncomfortable with the contact and pulled his hand free.

The simple pressure of Severus' palm against his, the enveloping clasp of his long fingers felt amazingly right, and Remus once again found himself reacting strongly to Severus' merest caress. One thing that Remus had missed since coming to the Abbey was the comfort of human touch, and that must have been the reason he felt it so keenly, aware of the contact on every inch of his skin.

He wasn't sure how long he might have stood there, looking at their clasped hands as though both surprised and reluctant to let go, but the Angelus bell rang, signaling noon, reminding Remus once again of his duty and his choices. Releasing Severus' hand, he glanced up, offering Severus a lopsided smile.

"Well, then, it seems we have an agreement," he said quietly. "As for now, you had best go unpack and get settled. Lunch is in the refectory at one o'clock, and then we will be meeting back here for lessons."

"I will be a most attentive and apt pupil," Severus replied without a hint of irony or mockery in his voice - for once - and with that, he turned and walked away without a single glance back at Remus, as if Remus was of little consequence.

If Remus wanted to him to keep his distance, so be it. He faced a challenge, one that would require wit and cunning to overcome the obstacles Remus had placed in his path, but he was resourceful and determined to prevail. If he didn't, well, he supposed he would face his own form of monkish existence.

Until Remus took his vows, he was fair game. Afterward, Severus would consider him off-limits. He was not a devout follower of any particular religion, but his father had insisted on him being raised C of E, and some things were ingrained deeply enough that he didn't want to risk the consequences of meddling with a man of God.

If Severus failed and Remus took his vows, then Severus would indeed leave and never return, just as he had promised. There would be no purpose in it, since Remus was the only man he wanted, and if Remus chose God over him, then he was simply out of luck.

It would be difficult to woo and win Remus with the constraints Remus had set down on him, but it wasn't impossible. He would find a way. He had to. The entire future of his heart and happiness depended on it.


	2. Chapter 2

Severus sat in the very last pew of the chapel, hidden in shadows as he counted off the beads of the rosary he'd been given, murmuring a litany of Hail Marys. The repetition was soothing, not unlike how he felt while stirring a complex potion. The repetitious circling of the spoon, the repetitious words and movement around the rosary - different acts, but in principle, they served the same purpose, namely to engage the body and distract the mind in order to offer a respite from the ongoing whirl and struggle offered by daily life.

He had quite a few Hail Marys to complete thanks to the required Confession. He had waited until the other men on retreat had their turn in the Confessional, and then he had remained in there far longer than any of them. He had promised to take the retreat seriously, which meant taking Confession seriously, and he had quite a lot to confess.

It was rather nice, he thought, to dredge up all the old muck to someone who wasn't involved and who could listen objectively and without judging him. He had even spoken at length of Dumbledore, admitting things to the listening priest that he had not articulated to any other living soul - his grief, his guilt. He'd had no time to mourn properly at the time, but now, years after the fact, he felt as if he finally had.

He confessed his homosexuality as well, since he knew that was considered a sin by the Church, although he wasn't the least bit repentant of it. The only thing he did leave off his lengthy list of sins was the fact that he had come to the Abbey for the express purpose of seducing a novitiate away from God. For one thing, he didn't want to be thrown out. For another, he rather thought he'd given the poor priest enough to deal with for one session. He didn't lie, merely omitted, and quite frankly, he thought he'd been given enough penance to do for absolution and atonement as it was.

Having never had a confidante, Severus understood the lure of Confession better after having experienced it. Dumbledore had been the one person Severus had come closest to unburdening himself to completely, but even with him, Severus had held back, knowing as he did that Dumbledore was using him. With the priest, there was no such imbalance, and knowing that whatever he said would be confidential and that at the end of the retreat, he would be leaving and would never see any of these people again, he had spoken freely for the first time in longer than he could remember.

Afterward, he had retreated to this secluded corner. There was a break in the activities until dinner, and he took advantage of it to steal a few moments of quiet time alone to restore his mask and recuperate after the unfamiliar experience of brutally honest revelation. He wasn't in the mood for one of his fellow men on the retreat to initiate yet another painfully earnest discussion of God, faith, and the trials of the world. These wet behind the ears puppies knew nothing of trials or darkness, and they had never had their faith truly tested. They tired him, as most young people tired him, and the less time spent in their company, the better as far as he was concerned.

He wasn't in the mood to see Remus either. It would be another battle between them, with Remus defensive and Severus pressing, and there was time for that later. Right now, he was content to count his rosary and sit and simply be.

The chapel was very quiet as Remus stepped inside from the door near the altar, pausing for a moment to let his eyes adjust to the dimmer light within. His gaze moved down the pews which lined the central aisle of the nave, over the bowed heads of the worshippers who knelt in devotion. He spotted Severus at the very back of the church, dark head bent as he looked down at his hands, which were holding a rosary. Remus thought he could see Severus' lips moving in prayer, and he blinked in a bit of surprise. Severus had indeed given his word that he would take the retreat seriously, but somehow Remus hadn't expected that would extend to going through reconciliation and acts of contrition.

Although it did explain the wide-eyed look of stunned horror on Father Michael's face when Remus had seen him exiting the chapel just a few minutes before. No doubt the good priest had heard many things in his life, but the litany of sins from a man of Severus' temperament and history must have been quite a shock, especially sprung on him unprepared. It also spoke well of Severus, that he was willing to go through it in order to show Remus that he could be trusted.

Severus had, in fact, been utterly true to his word since they had shaken hands on it the previous day. He had gone through the routine of the Abbey with what appeared to be genuine interest, asking insightful questions during the discussions and sometimes even appearing to enjoy them. That had surprised Remus almost as much as the fact that Severus had not uttered a single word to him that wasn't innocent of even a hint of provocation, nor had Remus found himself the subject of any dark, lustful glances or inadvertent touches.

It was no doubt foolish to let down his guard so swiftly, but Remus couldn't help finding his attitude toward Severus softening. He might come to rue it in the end, but at the moment, the sight of Severus doing something like praying for forgiveness moved him deeply.

Remus crossed in front of the altar, pausing to genuflect in respect before turning and heading up the aisle, head bowed. His unhurried steps soon brought him to Severus' row, and Remus reached into the pocket of his robe, removing his own rosary as he slid into the pew and knelt on the padded rail beside Severus. He didn't look at the other man, merely finding his place on the rosary and lending his voice to Severus' prayer.

Severus glanced sidelong at Remus, surprised that Remus had joined him at all, much less begun to pray with him. He assumed Remus would spend as little time with him as he could get away with and avoid him as much as possible. Was this perhaps a positive sign? Severus had been keeping his promise, after all, and perhaps Remus was coming to trust him a little as a result.

He finished the prayer and lowered his rosary as he turned his head to look at Remus, fixing him with a quizzical gaze. "Trying to give my supplication a little boost to make certain it reaches the right ears?" he asked, teasing lightly rather than mocking this time.

"If you're the reason Father Michael looked as though he'd just been hit by a bus, I figured a little assistance wouldn't go amiss," Remus replied, lips twitching slightly as he tried to keep from smiling. He never thought he would hear Severus Snape actually _teasing_ , and he was surprised to find he liked it. It made Severus seem less threatening, somehow.

Replacing his rosary in his pocket, Remus glanced toward the altar before once more looking back at Severus. "I want to thank you. For keeping your word. I honestly had not expected you to go to Confession, nor to say a penance." He paused, wondering how much he should - or could, with safety - say, and then he decided to follow his instincts. "I haven't given you enough credit for your sincerity, and for that, I am sorry."

"You are hardly the first to underestimate me," Severus replied, tucking his own rosary away. "I do appreciate the apology, however. I promised I would take the retreat seriously, and I have done."

He paused, gazing at the altar without really seeing it as he considered the events of the day. "It wasn't so bad," he admitted, deciding a concession on his part might help Remus relax a little more. "Unburdening oneself to an objective listener with guaranteed confidentiality does have its appeal, especially for one who has long lacked a confidante."

"Yes, it does," Remus agreed. He rose from the kneeling rail, but only to settle back on the wooden pew now that they were done praying, and he raised a brow at Severus in invitation. "I also find that performing penance helps as well. To be able to feel you're acknowledging your mistakes, atoning for them, and then trying to never perform them again. I suppose that's the purpose of all faith, isn't it, whatever its source? To help make you a better person, to help you find peace within yourself."

"I don't particularly feel a need to perform penance," Severus replied. "I found counting the rosary soothing in the same way I find brewing a potion soothing, but I acknowledged my mistakes long ago and have spent the ensuing years in atonement."

He fell silent, thinking about the wars and all that Dumbledore asked him to do, and when he spoke again, his voice was deep and somber. "My road to Damascus was located in Albus' office," he said, speaking more to himself than to Remus as he gazed at the crucifix over the altar and remembered the Bible stories he'd learnt as a child. "Since then, I have committed sins, but I have no doubt God will forgive me for them whether I offer visible signs of penance and remorse or not. I sinned so that Good would conquer Evil, and I took no pleasure in them. Surely He will forgive me under the circumstances." 

Remus nodded in sympathy. The fact that Severus had had a very real conversion was no surprise, given the fact that he had gone from being one of Voldemort's faithful to fighting the Dark Lord with equal fervor. He could also relate to the feelings Severus had about the things he had done during the war, for he had a similar conversation with Abbot Young long ago. 

"There are things which must be done in defense of a cause which is just and right," Remus replied. His gaze, too, went to the crucifix. "Some of us are called upon to die for it, while others of us are required to kill. So long as there is no joy in killing for its own sake, I think you're correct." He paused, and then he looked at Severus once again. "Actually, though, I wasn't speaking of the war, more of the sins we commit each day. A normal man rarely has to suffer with killing on his conscience, no matter what the reason for it. But other sins, such as lying and cheating, failing to do good when it is asked of us... that's where I find penance can help."

"Why?" Severus raised one eyebrow, giving him a long, sardonic look. "Do you lie and cheat so often? I know about your tendency to fail in doing good, so perhaps you have a point there," he added pointedly.

Remus couldn't help flushing at that. He knew the truth of it, and even though he had confessed long ago, he still felt embarrassment and remorse for his failures. 

"No man is perfect, and I have learned from my past, believe it or not," Remus replied, and then he sighed. "Lying and cheating aren't my major failings, though. Pride and anger are where I stumble most often, to my shame." 

Whether Remus had intended the remark as a jab or not, it hit a little too close to home for Severus. "And mine aren't?" he retorted, giving a little snort. "Everyone has failings because we are all human and prone to flaws. I won't do penance for being what God made me. All I will - and can - do is strive not to make the same stupid mistakes over and over."

He folded his arms and sank down in the pew, grumbling quietly. "Which is exceedingly difficult to do when one is surrounded by dunderheads and arrogant little-" He remembered where he was and cut himself off. "At any rate, it isn't easy, nor have I always tried to resist the temptation to give in to my anger and pride. Sometimes," he said in a softer tone, "they were all I had."

Remus couldn't repress a smile at the way Severus bit off his diatribe. Obviously Severus did have more respect for the Church than Remus had thought, and that warmed him to his soul. 

"Yes, you are what God made you, as am I," Remus said. "But we also have free will. Once we reach maturity, what we become is by our own deeds and the decisions we make. I tend to think of my pride and anger as being like my lycanthropy. They are part of me, but whether I give in to them or not, whether I master them or let them master me is my decision, my problem to overcome or my sin to commit."

"On that point, we agree," Severus said, nodding. "Although I don't consider them sins as you do. That seems unnecessarily harsh." He turned slightly so he could study Remus, debating whether he ought to rock the boat when things seemed to be going smoothly between them. But then he shrugged and decided he might as well. He had limited time, and he needed to make the most of it.

"Why can you not overcome your flaws outside of these walls?" he asked. "Is the temptation so great that you need a safety net?"

Remus drew in a breath; he had almost forgotten the purpose which Severus claimed had brought him here. Part of him wished that Severus had left the subject alone, but then, Severus hadn't agreed not to ask questions which would make Remus uncomfortable. Remus had, in fact, agreed to a give and take, and since Severus had kept his word, Remus must also honor his.

Letting his breath out in a sigh, Remus looked away, letting his eyes roam over the familiar columns, the Stations of the Cross, the statues of the Holy Mother and St. Joseph which flanked the altar with their racks of candles burning before them. Each of those flickering lights was a prayer, an appeal to the most high for intercession on behalf of one of his children on Earth. A symbol of the hope of man for the loving comfort of his Father and Savior.

"It's not a safety net, Severus, despite what you think," Remus replied quietly. "It is a sanctuary, a place where great good can be done for the benefit of all. There is healing here, and belonging, work to be done and peace to be had. What do I have outside these walls? No home, no family, no job, and no place to belong." 

He looked at Severus; if Severus were asking him to face what had brought him here, then Severus could deal with his own part in it; but there was no accusation in Remus' voice, only quiet acceptance. "The only other place I ever had those things was Hogwarts. Need I remind you how that ended?"

"At least when you left, you had not just killed your benefactor, and you weren't being pursued as a murderer and traitor," Severus pointed out. If Remus wanted to play the one-up game, Severus knew he could trump Remus every time. "I used Hogwarts as a safe haven as well, but I have since learnt that I can create my own haven wherever I am."

He fell silent, wanting to speak the words that rose to his lips, but he wondered if perhaps it was too soon. Then again, he thought, he hadn't made his intentions clear, and perhaps if he did, Remus might be more amenable to listening. He decided to proceed cautiously, beginning with a careful question.

"If you could have those things, or at least most of them, outside of this place, would the thought appeal to you at all?"

"Yes, the way you left was worse," Remus agreed quietly. He supposed he shouldn't have been surprised that Severus would rather play one-up with him than apologize for outing Remus, but he found himself vaguely disappointed by it. "I'm glad you found your bliss elsewhere... as I have found mine."

Severus' second question was far more uncomfortable than his first had been, but Remus tried to face it honestly, to examine his conscience as he would before going to confession. He wasn't certain that Severus had earned his trust to that extent, but Remus did not want to burden his soul with a lie. "I don't know," he said, looking down at his hands. "It has never been a question I haven't had need to ask myself, because there has never been anyone asking before. I love it here, but that doesn't mean I hate being everywhere else. My path has lead me to this and given me all the things I thought I would never have. God is the only one who never abandoned me in my despair; no one and nothing else has ever given me reason to have that much faith."

"Humans are fallible and make mistakes," Severus said quietly. He understood Remus' perspective - all too well - and he wanted to change everything, to restore Remus' faith in humanity, but he knew Remus had no reason to trust him now. 

He wanted to reach out and touch Remus' hand, not with the intent to seduce, but to offer a physical representation of the connection he felt they shared; he even lifted his own hand before remembering his promise, and he let it fall to his lap again.

"Myself included," he continued in the same deep, quiet tone, pitching his voice to match the intimacy of their discussion. "I have made mistakes out of anger and pride. Some of them involved you. I cannot promise I have overcome my two greatest flaws, but I had hoped when I found you again that things could be different between us." 

He lifted his gaze to meet Remus' eyes, holding it, and while there was no desire gleaming in his dark eyes, his gaze was intense nonetheless. "I sought you with the intention of offering you those things we have both always lacked: a home, a family, stability, a place to belong that we cannot be driven out of." 

_And love._ The words were on the tip of his tongue, but he didn't utter them. Not yet. It was too soon, and he knew Remus wasn't ready to hear them.

Remus could not have been more surprised if Severus had suddenly slapped him.

"You..." His mouth worked, but he couldn't seem to form a coherent phrase, so deep was his shock at Severus' admission of his true purpose for finding Remus. Part of him responded to it, to the quiet sincerity of Severus' tone and the way Severus looked at Remus as though he were _really_ seeing Remus as a man, as a person worth having for his own sake. There was no hint of anything sexual about it, which was different than when Severus had kissed him or tried to unsettle him with his claims of "wanting" Remus. Those had been surprisingly hard to deal with, but in a way, this was even more devastating. 

Mind whirling, Remus closed his eyes, trying to deal with the warring emotions and impulses in his heart and soul. He couldn't even begin to sort out the chaos, a churning mixture of disbelief and desire, of incredulity and yearning. Part of him wanted to reach out and grab what Severus was offering him, something he never believed anyone would want with him, but another part wanted to run away, to flee what had to be a trick, an offer designed to lure him away and destroy him.

_Why me? Of all the people in the world, why me?_

Opening his eyes, Remus forced himself to look at Severus, realizing suddenly that he had voiced that question aloud.

Severus silently damned the restrictions on touch, wanting nothing more than to reach out to Remus now, to soothe away his obvious confusion with a gentle stroke of his cheek or hair. Instead, he shifted in the pew to sit facing Remus, one leg tucked beneath him as he turned his undivided attention on Remus, watching him intently in an effort to convey his sincerity.

"Isn't it obvious?" he asked, cocking his head quizzically. "We are much alike under the skin, you and I. It took me long enough, but I finally figured it out. I haven't met anyone in the world who could suit me as well as you do, and I think I could suit you as well, provided you were willing to put up with my earthly flaws. I find you attractive as well - physically and intellectually. Now that I have learnt to look at you without the baggage of our past obscuring the view, you are handsome in my eyes, and I realized I want to be with you."

He stretched his arm along the back of the pew, reaching out to yet not touching Remus. "I have a home and a job," he added. "I can offer you that security." 

After being pardoned, Severus had been at a loss for what to do with his life. Returning to Hogwarts was out of the question, and he wasn't suited for working in trade. He had been adrift, but to his surprise, the Ministry had offered him a job in the Magical Law Enforcement division. He didn't have the training or temperament to be an Auror, but he was more than qualified to be a Hit Wizard, i.e. those who were sent to capture dangerous Wizard criminals. Severus suspected the offer was a sop to make up for his stint in Azkaban combined with an effort to make certain that if any more Dark Wizards showed themselves in future, he would be clearly and identifiably on their side. 

Severus had no love for the Ministry, but he was a pragmatic man at heart, and he had accepted the position. It paid well - recompense for the danger inherent in the job, he supposed - and it afforded him time to dabble in potions. It also had allowed him to sell the house at Spinner's End and buy a small, snug cottage in a remote Wizarding village where he had peace, quiet, and privacy in abundance. 

Remus felt as though he were in a dream. Perhaps he had fallen asleep at prayers and had imagined this entire thing from the time Severus had accosted him in the garden until this moment. It wasn't just the offer of things Remus thought he would never have, or the quiet conviction with which it was being offered, but the fact that it was Severus Snape offering it... and that a part of Remus ached with the desire to accept.

It was impossible, and the confusion was suddenly too much for Remus. "I... I can't," he murmured, surging to his feet with unaccustomed awkwardness. "Sorry, I... I have to go." With that, he stumbled from the pew, and then he fled from the back of the chapel as though running from demons... or perhaps just his own conscience.

Severus watched Remus flee the chapel, his expression thoughtful. Once again, he seemed to have caused Remus to run off, but as before, he decided to rely less on what Remus said and more on what he didn't say. "I can't" was an entirely different response from "No" or "I won't" or "I don't want that" in Severus' opinion, and he held out hope that what he had offered appealed to Remus on some level, whether Remus wanted to admit it or not.

It was a setback, but hopefully not a major one. He still had a few days left to convince Remus that his offer was real, and he didn't intend to give up until Remus took away all hope for good. One of his earthly flaws was stubbornness, after all, and this time, he intended for it to work in his favor.

* * *

Kneeling on the floor of his room, head bowed over his clasped hands, Remus continued to pray as he had for the last several hours. Unfortunately his pleas for calm and understanding went unanswered, leaving him in a turmoil of confusion and conflicting desires.

Finally giving up the fight, Remus rose with a groan, his knees protesting his long stillness on the hard stone of the floor. He hobbled to his bed, nearly falling upon it. Laying back against the pillow, Remus threw an arm over his eyes to block out the light, drawing in a deep, shuddering breath and wondering if God had a perverse sense of humor to lead him to what he thought was a new life, and then suddenly throw such a bizarre temptation in his path. Only God didn't work like that, and Remus knew it. If anything had precipitated this, it was his own actions in the past, forcing him to reap the consequences of what he had sown in an unexpected way.

_I know I could be happy here, with this life, with my faith and my calling, with service and prayer and the brotherhood. I would have purpose and peace, and I would be serving God, submitting myself to His will. I can atone for all the mistakes of my past. I will be part of something greater than myself._

Yet Remus couldn't deny that he _could_ be happy in another life, too. His mind couldn't help conjuring images of himself and Severus, conversing quietly as they had in the chapel, sharing thoughts and ideas. Severus had always fascinated him, the complex workings of Severus' mind and the way he seemed to fight everything in his life drawing Remus in spite of himself. To be honest, Remus had always found him attractive as well, even back to their school days. Perhaps it was the instincts of the wolf that let him look beyond the physical externals which his friends had always mocked, and those externals had changed over the years anyway. One had to take Severus Snape as a whole, not piece by piece. In being honest with himself, Remus had to admit that what Severus was offering him was appealing.

And the wolf had certainly responded to Severus' kiss, and to every time they touched. It would be no hardship to be intimate with Severus, to bare his body, to touch, to taste...

Abruptly Remus snatched his thoughts away from that path. Carnal desire was not the issue here. He had desired many people in the past, and he had slept with several of them. Sex was easy, but a life without it wasn't difficult, as he knew quite well. Sex also did not make a relationship or a life. It was in many ways the slightest part of it, and it would be folly to equate desire with trust or love. Suffice it to say, he would find intimacy with Severus no burden, and leave it at that.

_But homosexuality is a sin, in the eyes of the Church._

Sighing, Remus moved his arm, staring up at the ceiling as if it would give him the answers. This, he knew, was something that many men in the past had wrestled with, turning to their faith as a way to escape a part of themselves that very faith taught them was wrong. 

Remus' perspective on it had partially been shaped by his parish priest as a teen, when Remus had been wrestling with his own sexuality. Father Ambrose had been a young man and rather liberal, but what set him apart in some ways was how deeply he believed that God loved all his children equally. 

"God has a hand in our creation," Father Ambrose had told him. "He set his seal upon us, and we are all his beloved children. Does God turn his back on the imperfect among us? The blind, the lame, the sick and suffering, because they are imperfect? Does He look at what our trials are and despise us for what we must make of our lives in order to deal with them? No, He does not. Love is the greatest gift God has given to us. As long as you do not makes the mistake of confusing the desires of the body with the true emotions of the heart, I cannot believe it wrong to love wherever your heart leads. Whatever choices you make, Remus, and through every trial, remember that God's love is not conditional."

Father Ambrose hadn't known about Remus' lycanthropy, of course, but somehow those words had comforted Remus as much on that score as they had on the subject of sexuality. In the end, Remus had come to believe that sexuality was perhaps something like lycanthropy, a part of him that he did not choose and could not control, but simply _was_. 

So it would be no different, in Remus' eyes, if it were a woman offering him what Severus was, rather than a man. The issue was far greater, a matter of choices and free will and doing what was right.

_So what is right? What am I going to do?_

That was the crux of the problem. Remus knew that if his path was so certain in his own eyes, Severus would be unable to tempt him. Which meant that in his heart, Remus must hold some doubt about the rightness of his choice. That didn't mean that joining the brotherhood _wasn't_ that correct path; it meant that a part of Remus must wish for something different, and that part had never expressed itself before since there had never been any question.

None of which offered a solution. 

The words of Father Ambrose came back to him, and Remus sighed.

_I don't love Severus, and what he offered me didn't include love on his part, either. But... what **could** be, if his offer were sincere? Could it happen? Do I truly believe that? Or is this some game of Severus' after all, meant to lure me from my path? He knows me so well. He knows just what to say to tear my world apart._

_Can I trust that isn't what he intended all along?_

Remus didn't think Severus wished him ill, nor that Severus would go to these kind of lengths just for vengeance, but... there was still that niggling doubt there, and the knowledge that Remus had been wrong before. Trust wasn't easy, and in this case, Remus had to trust not only Severus, but his own judgment. Never in his life had Remus felt so uncertain, so torn, as though he were poised on the precipice of his life, where making the wrong decision, one way or the other, would leave him forever doubting that what he had done was the right thing in the end.

In the distance, the Angelus bell rang, its sweet tones gracing the air with its eternal celebration of God's love, calling the brotherhood to the first devotion of a day which would be filled with prayer. Remus hesitated for a long moment, wondering if he should answer the summons, if he even had the right to do so when he felt so torn. As the bell continued, however, Remus sat up, and then he swung his legs over the side of the bed.

There were no answers here in the loneliness of his room, but that didn't mean there might not be an answer elsewhere. Perhaps in the course of the day, it would come to him, a flash of knowledge or insight to let him know what he should do. It wasn't an option to _not_ make a choice, in the end; all Remus could do was hope - and _pray_ \- that he would make the right one.

* * *

After Remus' hasty departure from the sanctuary, Severus decided perhaps giving Remus time to think about their discussion and Severus' offer without any pressure was a wise idea. Thus when he wasn't attending lectures or learning about the details of monastic life, he had spent his time performing the penance assigned to him and reading books from the monastery's library. Burying his nose in a book, especially if it was a book about religious doctrine, was the best way of making certain he was left alone by the other men on retreat. 

All he had to do if they tried to engage him in conversation was look up from his book and ask their opinion on the case brought forth in 1278 regarding whether personal weapons may be blessed for greater efficacy in striking down unbelievers in a Holy War. That was enough to make them flee, and after one or two times, it was enough to make them give him a wide berth.

The truth was, he could see the appeal of the quiet, orderly life here. He had spent many years following the routine of Hogwarts, so strict schedules were not unfamiliar to him, and the corridors of the monastery were far less raucous than the corridors of the school. Here, he didn't have to worry about anyone spilling expensive potions ingredients or tormenting each other with Zonko products while they jostled their way to their next class. The company of monks was, in his opinion, far preferable to the company of spotty-faced adolescents with nothing on their puerile little minds but Quidditch, pranks, and sex. 

But as peaceful as life here was, it was not for him. After decades of servitude, he chafed far too easily under restrictions, and he was too outspoken for the level of silence and obedience the monastery required. His volatile nature might be a sin, but he had no desire to squelch it under vows and threats of penance. He had had enough of serving a master and being told what to do for one lifetime; he was free, and he intended to remain that way.

The problem was that Remus didn't seem to agree with him on that point. He had hoped that Remus would wake up and realize it was pain and fear causing him to hide away from the world, not a call from God. The still, small voice Remus was hearing was his own wounded heart. But Severus' time was running out.

Tomorrow was the last day of the retreat; if Remus hadn't changed his mind by then, Severus would have no choice but to give up and leave. But he didn't intend to go without one last fight, and with renewed determination, he set off to find Remus.

Two days of little to no sleep were taking their toll on Remus, causing him to drag himself from his room, to prayers, to meals, then back to his room again. He hadn't returned to the rooms where the retreat was being held, and when he went to prayers, he sat on the opposite site of the sanctuary from those attending. Keeping his distance hadn't meant he was unaware of Severus, however; he seemed to be able to unerringly lock on to Severus whenever they were in the same room together. It was as though the wolf had somehow become attuned to Severus' presence, and Remus found his eyes straying from his prayers and duties far more than they should.

Unfortunately, watching Severus didn't bring him any closer to an answer as to where his true path lay. Neither did being away from Severus, or working, or praying, or tossing restlessly in his bed. Soul searching was getting him nowhere, but he felt he had no other recourse at this point than to keep at it. Ignoring the problem wouldn't make it go away... and Severus' actions had proved that he was certainly not the type to allow himself to be ignored.

The retreat was nearly over, but Remus wasn't certain if Severus would depart at that point or not. No one would force him to go, since guests were never cast out of the Abbey. If he so wished, Severus could remain here, watching Remus and tempting him right up until Remus went into the chapel to take his vows.

Needing to be alone, he skipped tea, choosing instead to go out into the gardens, to walk in the fresh air and sunshine, hoping that it would renew his energy since sleep had proven elusive. It was a beautiful day, the scent of flowers hung heavily in the air, and with a sigh, Remus lowered himself onto a stone bench in the middle of a carefully tended cluster of rosebushes. Closing his eyes, he let his head slump forward, the sun beating down on his head and shoulders warmly. In that peace, he relaxed for the first time in what felt like years, his exhausted mind finally going blank as he slipped into a light doze.

It took a fair bit of searching, but Severus finally spotted Remus sitting on a stone bench amid some rose bushes, and as he drew nearer, he could see that Remus was asleep. He approached quietly, trying to decide whether to wake Remus or let him sleep uninterrupted, although the question of why Remus had dozed off in the middle of the afternoon was an interesting one. Perhaps he was suffering from sleepless nights?

He sat down on the bench beside Remus, careful to keep enough distance between them that Remus couldn't accuse him of breaking the no touching rule, and he spoke in a quiet but firm voice. 

"Remus, wake up. The retreat is nearly over, and I want to talk to you before I go."

A deep voice roused Remus, and he opened his eyes slightly, lifting his head to find Severus sitting near him, the sun behind him lending reddish lights to his dark hair so that he almost looked like he wore a halo of flame. "I'm dreaming," he murmured, blinking slowly and heavily. "Are you the devil, Severus? Do you offer me damnation or salvation?"

Severus' eyebrows climbed at that unexpected question, and his thin lips quirked upward. "Neither," he replied. "I am a mere mortal. Salvation is not mine to give, and damnation is your own responsibility. All I offer is-"

He hesitated, his innate reticence warning him of the dangers of saying too much, but he had so little time left in which to convince Remus of his sincerity. Before he had set out on his quest to find Remus, he had decided he would take whatever risks necessary to win Remus; he couldn't shirk now that the crucial moment of truth had arrived. It was literally now or never for him, and holding back could cost him everything. 

"Belonging. Stability. Purpose." He hesitated again. "Love."

Remus blinked again, Severus' words washing over him as warmly as the sunlight. It must be a dream, for he couldn't imagine Severus saying what he had in the waking world. Another blink, and then Remus shook his head sharply, trying to clear his hazy thoughts. When he glanced back over, he was surprised to see Severus was still there, that he hadn't disappeared like a spectre.

"I..." Remus stopped, drawing in a breath before his tongue ran away with him. He really was here, sitting in the garden, and Severus was on the bench next to him. But how much of that conversation had been real, and how much a dream? "I don't know what to do."

Severus shifted on the bench, turning to face Remus, and wished for the thousandth time that he could bridge the gulf between them with a touch. Remus appeared dazed and vulnerable, and Severus wanted nothing more than to pull Remus into his arms. But he had made a promise, and so he leaned closer instead.

Remus' words were not exactly what Severus wanted to hear, but they were better than an outright refusal. It was time to press his point and give Remus more to think about.

"You must listen to what your heart wants," he said. "I don't mean the shattered part of it that has been urging you to run away and hide, either. That part will mend in time, and then you may have cause to regret decisions made when your wounds were raw. Listen to the voice beneath the pain. What does it want you to do? Remain within these quiet walls where you will be surrounded by people, yet have no attachments? Safe, yes, but hardly fulfilling for one who has always craved affection and companionship. Or does it want you to take a risk on finding a close, nourishing attachment with me?"

"Risk." Remus repeated the word softly, knowing that was the crux of the matter in many ways. How odd to hear Severus of all people urging him to follow his heart, rather than to use his head, to rely on emotion rather than logic! 

"It's been three years, Severus. I don't believe my decisions are being made rashly in a moment of pain," he said, shrugging. "If they were, it would probably be a lot easier than it is."

He knew he was avoiding the real question, but he seemed to lack the energy to confront it directly. He felt a temptation at this point to lean closer to Severus, to let Severus use his persuasion to take the decision out of Remus' hands. Whether it was truth or lie that Severus uttered, Remus knew it wouldn't take much in the weariness of his soul to give over to what Severus wanted, to let Severus take the responsibility for whatever happened after, for good or ill. 

Leaning toward Severus, Remus lifted one hand slightly as though he wanted to touch. He did, and he didn't, and Remus forced himself to move back once more, dropping his hand and then clenching both of them together in his lap. Yes, it would be easy to make Severus take responsibility for Remus' choice... but it would also be wrong.

"I don't love you," he said, uttering the bald truth of it. Perhaps if he couldn't make up his own mind, he could cause Severus to change his.

Severus pressed the back of his hand to his forehead and struck a dramatic pose. "He doesn't love me. Woe!" Letting out a derisive snort, he shook his head. "I don't expect you to love me," he said, his tone matter of fact once more. "I am merely asking for a chance to see if you might grow to love me. I happen to think we would be quite good together, and I would like to try. However, there is always the risk that you will not fall in love with me, no matter how well we get on or how fantastic the sex is. I am prepared to take that risk, thus it is up to you to decide if you are as well."

He glanced down and picked idly at a patch of moss growing on the shaded edge of the bench. "If not, then I will leave tomorrow when the retreat officially ends, and you will not hear from me again." He glanced up at Remus again, a wry, mirthless smile tugging his lips. "You needn't worry the serpent will keep appearing in the garden to tempt you."

Remus was surprised again when Severus didn't respond with anger to his blatant declaration, but rather with sardonic humor; he didn't want to hurt Severus, no matter what Severus' purpose toward him was. Yet nothing had changed, not really. Remus was still torn, still uncertain.

"I see," he said finally, realizing that he owed Severus a response. He reached up with a hand to rub his forehead. Severus seemed to be willing to gamble recklessly on a matter that would affect the rest of his life, but from what he had seen, Severus had less to lose. Or maybe he was just far more confident about himself and his future than Remus had ever been. 

The wolf within was urging Remus to take the offer, to damn the consequences and grab the moment. Remus could feel it rising within him, for the wolf found Severus more than acceptable as a potential mate. But the wolf was only a part of him, a part which he controlled.

Rising to his feet, Remus turned to look down at Severus. "Tomorrow, then," he said, wondering if he would actually have any answers by then. "The retreat ends right after lunch, and I will meet you here in the garden."

Severus nodded somberly, realizing this was as good a response as he could hope to get at this point. It wasn't an outright no, and as long as Remus was still considering the possibilities, there was hope that his confusion would resolve itself into a definite "yes".

"Very well," he said, rising and moving to stand close to Remus, letting Remus feel his warmth without breaking his promise with a touch. "I will be here, waiting in hope."

The wolf reacted to feeling the heat of Severus' body, and Remus swallowed and stepped back. "Right. I... I hope you have a good evening, Severus."

Turning, Remus walked slowly back toward the guesthouse. He would call and have himself excused from the rest of the activities for the evening in order to continue his lone vigil in searching his heart. Perhaps this time, if he didn't give up faith, he would find an answer.

* * *

Remus had spent all night and all morning in prayer. He had searched his heart, searched Scripture, searched the ceiling of his room with such diligence that he knew every slight irregularity in the smooth white surface as well as he knew the back of his hand. He had prayed for guidance, for help, for release - but his prayers had remained unanswered.

As the time he would meet Severus grew closer, Remus finally had to admit that he still didn't know what to do. In a way, he supposed that he didn't _owe_ Severus an answer, given that Severus was the one who had burst into his life and turned it upside down. Yet it was part of Remus now to deal fairly with everyone, to be as honest as he could no matter what the circumstances. 

There was nothing for it now except to meet with Severus and tell him the truth. 

Rising, Remus showered and dressed, and then he walked slowly toward the garden. His mind felt empty - not peaceful, not anything that positive. But since he already knew the answer he must give, there was no sense fretting about it any longer.

Severus paced back and forth in front of the stone bench while he waited for Remus to arrive. The retreat was over; some of the young men had opted to stay longer for more tutelage, a couple had decided to accept the vocation, and the rest, like Severus, would be leaving. Now all that remained was for Severus to speak with Remus and find out whether he had made a decision and whether it was a favorable one.

He had tried sitting, but it hadn't lasted long. He wasn't accustomed to being nervous and restless, but his heart was on the line, and this was a definitive moment, one that would shape his future and determine whether he would live out the rest of his life with his chosen, most desired companion, or whether he would be alone. 

As time for Remus' arrival drew near, he forced himself to stop pacing, rubbed his palms on his trousers, and sat down, years of long practice at deception allowing him to give the appearance of a calm he certainly did not feel.

Remus moved slowly toward the garden, feeling as though he were swimming upstream. His feet seemed to hesitate of their own accord, and only his promise to meet Severus kept him from turning and fleeing.

Even now, even after all he had learned in his life about himself and others, even through he didn't fully know if he could trust Severus' sincerity, Remus hated to tell people things they didn't wish to hear. Honesty compelled him to do it, of course, but it didn't mean that Remus liked it. He had always been too eager to please, and instead of saying anything unpleasant to people he cared about, he had always opted for silence whenever possible. That had lead to his initial problems with Severus, but unfortunately, even silence wasn't going to help him now.

Rounding the edge of the garden gate, he could see Severus ahead, sitting on the bench they had occupied yesterday afternoon. He looked strangely serene, but Remus couldn't tell if it were confidence or merely Severus' hard-won mask slipping into place. Remus approached quietly, moving to stand before Severus and clasping his hands in front of himself, unconsciously like that of a penitent coming to confession.

"Hello, Severus," he said softly. He tried for a smile, but it came out hesitant, his eyes betraying his vulnerability and inner conflict.

One look at Remus' face, and Severus knew this conversation would not go well for him. Remus looked as if he was coming to his own execution, his smile watery and his eyes filled with vulnerability. It was not the look of a man come to deliver good news.

Severus released a slow sigh as he rose to his feet and faced Remus, bracing himself for the blow. "I believe I can guess what you're about to say," he said quietly, no hint of recrimination in his voice.

Remus sighed, almost wishing Severus would scream at him as he had in years past rather than sound as though he _understood_. "I'm sorry," he said. "I have prayed and searched my heart and done everything I can, but I just don't know what to do. It's not you, Severus; it's me. I always thought I knew myself very well, but now I look within, and I see a stranger. For three years, I have been certain of my path, the kind of certainty that I always thought unshakable. The very fact that you have managed to shake me out of my serenity is a feat in itself, but I can't honestly say right now if that is enough for either of us."

"I could argue," Severus said, gazing at Remus steadily. "I could say that if you have been shaken from a path you thought certain, perhaps it is a sign this path is not the right one for you after all, but I imagine you have already thought of that."

He paused, studying Remus silently for a moment. The retreat was over, which meant he was no longer bound by the promises he had made, and he reached out and rested his hands on Remus' shoulders, squeezing gently. "I doubt there is much of anything I could say that you haven't already thought of. But as much as I would like to knock you over the head and carry you off, this must be your decision, and it isn't as if I don't understand your reticence."

The weight of their personal history and his own past behavior weighed heavily upon Severus' shoulders now; he knew Remus would have faced a difficult decision no matter who had come to coax him back into the world, but that it was Severus made it even more difficult. There was so much baggage to sort through, and they had only had a week under less than ideal conditions.

He rubbed Remus' upper arms, wanting to enjoy the contact while he could. "Let me say this, and then I will have done. Whatever you may think of me, I am sincere in my intentions. You haven't asked what I have been doing since the war, and now isn't the time to tell you, but suffice to say, you aren't the only one who has examined his faith and engaged in extensive soul-searching. In the process, I faced a great many things I had tried to ignore before, and one of them was my long-standing attraction to and desire for you. I could love you easily, I think, given the chance. In fact, I am already poised to fall," he said, his voice quiet and deep, laden with all the emotion he couldn't yet express. "But I don't want only half of you, with the rest of you remaining here and wondering 'what if'. I admit my own selfishness: I would rather give you up entirely than not have all of you."

Remus gazed at Severus somberly, absorbing the touch and the words and feeling the truth of them. This was a different side of Severus, one that Remus had never witnessed before. A caring side, one full of yearning, and that appealed to Remus more than he had ever thought possible. It also didn't hurt for Severus to admit his feelings, but Remus knew that Severus was right. Remus couldn't give half of himself to Severus and half to God; none of them would be satisfied with that.

"Thank you," he said, his voice soft. He reached up hesitantly, laying one hand against Severus' cheek, almost as though he were afraid to touch Severus in return. "Severus, I... I don't know what's going to happen to me, but you're right. I've thought of all the things you mentioned. I've prayed over them, wept over them, and I still feel as though I'm being torn apart. I know I'm going to have to make a decision soon, whether it is to stay with the Church, to follow you, or to do something else entirely. But I need more time to think and to pray, to find my way through this confusion. And I do agree with you - I will only give all of myself, no matter which I choose. If I cannot be wholehearted about a path, I will not choose it."

Severus leaned against Remus' hand; it was the the first time Remus had touched him voluntarily, and he savored the warmth and the significance of the gesture. Remus was confused, but at least he hadn't dismissed Severus out of hand, and while Severus wasn't entirely confident of his chances in the end, at least there was still some hope remaining to him.

"If you need more time, take it," he said, releasing his hold on Remus' arms. Reaching into his pocket, he fished out a slip of paper and held it out. "Here, take this. It is information on how to contact me. Once I leave, I will not return, and you will not hear from me again. If I hear nothing from you by the day you are meant to take your vows, I will assume I have my answer."

Slowly Remus reached out and took the paper, his fingers brushing against Severus'. The contact felt electric, and Remus swallowed against a sudden ache in his heart. No matter what happened, he knew he was going to miss Severus. For all that Severus had thrown his life into chaos, Remus couldn't deny that he did feel a connection to Severus; he just wasn't certain if it was strong enough to satisfy them both.

"All right." He offered Severus a rather lopsided smile. "I don't know what else to say, really. It all feels so strange to me right now. I suppose I know now how the man in the Frost poem felt about his choice of roads - and knowing that no matter which one he took, he would never come back to the other again."

"An apt analogy," Severus replied. "However, I believe most of us wonder what might have been had we made different choices. I certainly have."

He fell silent for a moment, debating the wisdom of what he wanted to do next, but considering he might never see Remus again, he thought perhaps flinging caution to the wind was not inappropriate.

Framing Remus' face between his hands, he bent and kissed Remus - not the fiery, demanding kiss he had bestowed on that first night, but rather a light, almost reverential kiss. It was slow and unhurried, and he savored the taste of Remus' lips, stroking Remus' cheeks gently with his thumbs.

Remus wasn't surprised by this kiss the way he had been by the first one. Perhaps it was a sign of how much his perceptions and beliefs had changed in the last week that he not only anticipated it, but he met Severus halfway. It wasn't a kiss of desire, but it warmed Remus in a way that was deeper and far more moving than sex. It felt good and right, and Remus was regretful when it ended.

"I'll let you know as soon as I can, Severus," Remus said. "I promise. And in the meantime, I hope you take care of yourself. You deserve happiness, no matter what."

"As do you," Severus replied. "The wars have taken much from both of us. It is high time, in my estimation, that we found some peace and happiness somewhere, even if it is not with each other."

 _Although I hope it is_ , he thought. Still, he felt certain Remus meant his words, and Severus was equally sincere in his response. Unfortunately, there was nothing more to be said; he had made his case, and what happened now was out of his hands. He disliked the lack of control, but there was nothing for it, and he certainly wasn't going to pester Remus into acquiescing, tempting a thought as it might be.

"I hope this is not the last time we see one another," he said. "But if it is, then I bid you good-bye."

Remus nodded, then impulsively he reached up, laying his thumb lightly upon Severus' forehead and making the sign of the cross there. "Peace be with you, Severus," he replied. As he lowered his hand once more, he brushed his fingertips over Severus' cheek before forcing himself to turn away. 

His slow, measured footsteps carried him away from Severus and back toward the chapel, toward the waiting brotherhood and the life Remus had once chosen - but whether they would carry him back to Severus again was something that at this moment, only God could know.


	3. Chapter 3

A hand pressed gently against Remus' shoulder, startling him into almost dropping the teacup he had been staring into. He glanced up to find Abbot Young looking down at him, his blue eyes full of concern.

"You have a heaviness on your soul, my son," he said, making it a statement, not a question. "I've noticed it for a week now. Would you like to talk about it?"

Somehow Remus wasn't surprised that the Abbot had noticed his mood, even though he thought he had been acting closer to normal in the last few days. Again Remus was struck by the Abbot's similarities to Albus, and he sighed, knowing that it was it was probably past time for him to seek counsel from someone far more wise than himself.

"Yes, please," he replied, placing his cup on the table next to his chair and rising to his feet. Around them, the brethren were engaged in quiet conversation, which despite its low tone was in some cases still quite lively in content. Remus hadn't initiated any discussions since the retreat, however, finding himself falling into his circular thoughts every time he was quiet.

"Walk with me, then - it's a beautiful day." The Abbot moved toward the doors which lead to the garden, and Remus followed, placing his hands up the sleeves of his robe to keep from fidgeting. Even though he knew he needed to have this conversation, that didn't lessen his nervousness about it.

The Abbot strolled along in silence for a time, and then he turned his head to look at Remus. "You've not been the same since the retreat, have you, Remus? You are suffering, your peace shattered. I regret seeing you so; however, I think in the long run, it was necessary."

"Necessary?" Remus asked, stopping suddenly and looking at his superior in confusion. "I mean... I'm sorry, Father, but I don't understand. Necessary that I lose what I held so precious?"

"Yes, unfortunately," Abbot Young replied. "Remus, God sends us tests, not because they are easy, but because they are difficult. Before... well, before this, you seemed almost too complacent in your path, so devoted that it didn't seem quite natural. We are all here because we have answered God's call, and yet we are men, with men's flaws and men's needs. You always seemed almost otherworldly, and I wasn't certain if it was because you were indeed so devout, or because you _thought_ you should be so. I sensed great sorrow in you, but you buried it away, turning it into a zeal for our brotherhood which I have rarely seen."

"Is that a bad thing?" Remus asked. "I'm not the only one here who has suffered. I thought that turning my grief into a purpose to serve God was a good thing!"

"It can be," the Abbot acknowledged. He began to walk again, and Remus moved to stay with him.

"Did you doubt my sincerity, then?" Remus couldn't help the question. "You accepted me as a novitiate. Would you have done that without believing I would take my vows?"

"No, of course not." There was no censure in the Abbot's voice, but Remus still flinched, suddenly aware that he had questioned the Abbot's honesty. "I couldn't, not when after three years, you were still here, and you remained the same throughout that time. I assumed your lycanthropy was part of what I sensed about you, and that perhaps your deep peace was a result of coming to terms every part of yourself, the good and the bad, at last. And perhaps it was... but it's gone now, isn't it? And I believe this man from your past is the reason why."

Remus hesitated, and then he sighed and nodded. "Yes," he said softly, looking down to watch the toes of his sandals as they peeked from beneath the hem of his robe. "You're right, on all counts I suspect."

The only sound for several moments was the crunch of their steps on the gravel, before the Abbot spoke again. "What happened, then? I have my suspicions, but I would prefer to hear it from you."

"I... I have been tempted," Remus replied, feeling his cheeks flush. "Severus... well, we have a rather long history, most of it not pleasant. I nearly killed him once, when I was a wolf and a friend sent Severus to seek me out. I thought he would never forgive me for that, but he has. He said... He said that he had done his own soul searching since the end of the war, and he came here to... take me away from the abbey."

"I see," the Abbot said, and Remus turned to look at him sharply. There was no condemnation on the Abbot's face, however, only grave thoughtfulness. "I rather thought it was something like that. I sensed something about him. Call it an old man's instincts for sniffing out a rascal, but I had the feeling he was hiding something of his true purpose when he asked to join the retreat, then insisted upon you."

"You did?" Remus gasped. "Then why, when I..."

The Abbot held up a hand. "As I said before, Remus, you seemed to have become almost too secure here, to the point where I wondered if anything at all was capable of touching your heart. No, I'm not saying that I thought you didn't feel things, or that I doubted you had suffered a pain greater than I could possibly know. But I thought that perhaps you were burying your more human feelings, sublimating them into devotion. Love of God, after all, is good, and it is safe. God will not desert us or break our hearts. God cannot die and abandon us to grief and loneliness."

Drawing in a deep breath, the Abbot touched Remus on the arm, a gentle touch almost like a benediction. "If you had not reacted to this man in _some_ way - other than protesting that you didn't want to see him at all - I might have thought that you weren't quite human any more. The fact that you are disturbed is a good thing, even if you probably don't see it that way. It means that you are still capable of feeling for your fellow man. And I do believe that he has feelings for _you_."

"But... the Church believes it is a sin," Remus said softly. He had dealt with his own feelings on the issue of homosexuality, but he didn't wish the Abbot to believe he hadn't considered that aspect as well. "Shouldn't you have sent him away, if you could tell what he wanted from me?"

The Abbot smiled, and then he shook his head with a weary sigh. "At one time, Remus, those who did magic were thought to be sinners. Those with lycanthropy were as well, and they were condemned to death with no more thought of their souls than if they had been animals. It was not right, but things change over time, thoughts and attitudes, even in the Church. God is perfect, but we, his children, are not. We can fathom his love and his message as much as we are able, but sometimes we get it wrong, and in the course of that discovery, we change. It is true that the Holy Father speaks from the seat of infallibility, and yet I know he believes in God's unconditional love as well. I do not judge Severus, nor do I judge you. Love is God's great gift to his children, and so long as the hearts involved are sincere in their emotion, I cannot bring myself to believe that God would condemn you for embracing the very gift he has given."

That made Remus feel better, at least for a moment, but unfortunately, it didn't solve his real problem. "But I don't know what I feel for him. I don't know what to _do_ ," he protested, all the misery of the last week pressing down on him at once. He did miss Severus, but he also missed the tranquility of the last three years. "Part of me wants to go to him, to take the things he is offering me - a life I never thought I would have. But part of me wants the path I have chosen, the devotion to God and the community of the brotherhood, to serve and give back the same joy I have received. I have prayed and prayed, but I can't find an answer!"

Nodding, the Abbot smiled serenely. "That's because God doesn't have the answer here, Remus. It lies within you. It's not about your faith in God, or your faith in this man. It's about your faith in yourself - and only you can find that."

Remus' mouth worked as he tried to get out the question which was tormenting him. "What if I make the _wrong_ decision?" He forced the words out finally, his voice hoarse with fear. "Do you think God would be happy with me staying here without giving it all of my heart and soul? Severus has already said he won't settle for less than that."

"You are not the first man who has faced temptation, nor even the first potential monk to do so," Abbot Young replied gently. "We all face our own tests, according to what course our lives must take. There are many paths in the faith, Remus. I know that you will make the right decision; _I_ have faith in you, but more importantly, God does too."

Smiling, the Abbot blessed Remus with the Sign of the Cross, and then he turned and started back down the path as Remus stood, stunned and unmoving. Watching him go, Remus found himself wishing with all his heart that he could have one percent of Abbot Young's certainty in himself.

* * *

Severus awoke earlier than usual on the day Remus was due to take his vows. He had slept fitfully, and his dreams had been unpleasant, filled with scenes of Remus turning him away and choosing to remain at the monastery, and for once, he wasn't inclined to linger in bed, relieved to wake up from those nocturnal hauntings.

He had cleared the paperwork from his desk the day before, and he hoped no criminals decided to choose that day of all days to cause trouble. The life of a Hit Wizard was an erratic one, but at least he could afford to take the day away from his desk at the Ministry. He wanted to be home, whether he received an owl, Remus himself, or no word at all, and he had a full bottle of Ogden's Old ready to celebrate or drown his sorrows, as the occasion warranted.

He bathed and dressed with more than usual care, making sure to shave closely and wash his hair thoroughly, and he steamed his best robes to make sure they were wrinkle-free. After ten minutes of peering at himself in the looking glass to make certain he was as presentable as he could make himself, he went downstairs to fix a cup of tea.

Remaining in the kitchen, however, made him antsy. What if Remus came by in person, and he didn't hear the knock at the door? He carried his cup and saucer into the parlor and dragged a chair over to the window, where he would have an unobstructed view of the gate.

Time passed at a crawl, and even though he knew he wasn't helping his own restlessness by peering out the window every two minutes to see if he could spot someone approaching or an owl fluttering down from the sky, he couldn't help it. Reading was a lost cause, and after a failed attempt to concentrate on the _Daily Prophet_ , he gave up and just sat, letting his thoughts roam as he gazed out the window.

At lunchtime, he reluctantly left his post to fix a sandwich, and he brought it back to the parlor to resume his watch. His stomach was too knotted up for him to eat much, but he had skipped breakfast, and he knew he ought to eat something, especially if he was going to pull out the Ogden's Old later.

By mid-afternoon, he had grown sleepy in the sun, and he dozed off, and when he woke, two hours had passed with no sign of Remus. He glanced out the window, but he was beginning to lose hope. If Remus had decided to take his vows, Severus thought it was likely over and done with by now. The fact that Remus hadn't sent a message or arrived at this late in the day... Well, Severus thought that said everything he needed to know.

He looked down at his hands in his lap, disappointment welling within him. Remus had made his choice, and it wasn't him. He couldn't even blame Remus; the monastery offered everything Remus wanted, and it was a sure thing. What Severus offered was a risk, and it might not end well for either of them. All things considered, he wasn't certain he would have chosen differently had he been in Remus' position.

Pushing himself to his feet, he pulled the curtains, dragged his chair back to where it belonged, and went to fetch his bottle of Ogden's Old.

Remus hurried through the streets of the small Wizarding village, looking for the address Severus had given him. Little could Severus know how Remus had clung to that piece of paper like a talisman, even when Remus hadn't been at all certain what his choice would be. Nor had he known, not until that very morning, the day when he should have been taking his vows and promising the rest of his life to God. 

It hadn't turned out that way, however, which was why Remus was here now, peering into the twilight and trying to find Severus' house. He had been through the village twice, and he began to feel a rising sense of panic that perhaps Severus had changed his mind and obscured the place so that Remus couldn't find it. 

On his third pass down the high street, Remus stopped, suddenly smacking himself in the head for his stupidity. Severus wasn't likely to live in the middle of town, and even a small place like this had more secluded sections. Remus set off at a dead run away from the cluster of buildings, peering between trees until he spotted another cottage, set back from the road and surrounded by stone walls. He didn't even have to check the number to know that he had found the right place at last.

Remus opened the gate, and then he sprinted up the path. When he reached the front door, he stopped, panting, realizing what an idiot he must look like. He took a moment to finger-comb his hair and wipe the sweat from his brow, and then he lifted his hand and knocked on the door in a way he hoped didn't sound overly eager, but probably did.

At the sound of the knocking, Severus felt a quick, sharp surge of hope in his chest, but he squelched it. If Remus was going to come, he would have arrived already. No doubt his visitor was one of the neighbors, or perhaps the delivery boy from the grocer's.

He was in no mood to socialize, however, and he stormed over to the door with his bottle of whiskey in hand. Yanking open the door, he prepared to unleash a tirade at whoever had dared disturb him - and he found himself staring down at Remus Lupin, as if the man had been summoned by the force of Severus' fervent hope. 

"What are you doing here?" he blurted, shock temporarily disconnecting his brain and his tongue.

A slow flush stole over Remus' cheeks, and he stared at Severus in dismay. Had Severus changed his mind, deciding he didn't want Remus after all? 

Remus took a step back from the door, eyes wide as a cold hand clenched his stomach into knots. "I... I'm sorry, Severus," he said, lifting his hands in a gesture of supplication. "Did I take too long? Did you decide you don't want me?"

"No!" Severus exclaimed hastily, reaching out to grab Remus' arm before he could leave. "I just thought..." He hesitated, but he supposed there was no point in hiding the truth. "I thought you weren't coming," he said. "I waited all day, and I finally decided you must have taken your vows." He held up the bottle of Ogden's Old, a small, rueful smile tugging one corner of his mouth. "I was about to get thoroughly drunk."

"Oh." Remus glanced at Severus, then at the bottle, and looked chastised - although there was a glint of humor in his eyes. "I'm sorry it took me so long, but I got here as quickly as I could. Did you know I didn't have my wand anymore? So I had to take Muggle transport from Bath all the way to London just to get it back from Harry. Who wasn't home, and Number Twelve doesn't have a phone, and I didn't have an owl..." He paused. "Er, could I come in? It's rather a long story."

"Yes." Severus released his arm and stood aside, ushering Remus into the house. "Yes, of course. Do come in." He closed and locked the door behind them, and then he guided Remus into the parlor and gestured for him to take a seat. "I hadn't thought about you not having your wand," he said as he dropped heavily onto the sofa and set the bottle on the low table in front of it. "I imagine that did make getting here difficult. It's a bit out of the way."

"A bit, yes," Remus replied, settling down on the end of the sofa opposite Severus, then turning to face him. There was silence for a moment, and Remus felt a bit surreal; in all his imaginings of their reunion, he hadn't quite thought it would be like this. Severus was obviously dressed up, but looked a bit rumpled, and Remus felt contrite for having taken so long to make up his mind.

Reaching out hesitantly, Remus laid a hand on Severus' arm. "I'm sorry it took me so long, not just to get here, but to make up my mind," he said softly, hoping that Severus would forgive him. "I never wanted to drive you to drink. It's been... difficult. Up until this morning, I had no idea what I was going to do. But then... well, I suppose everyone has their Epiphany, don't they? Even if mine was slower than most, and inspired by a tea towel."

Severus blinked, uncertain whether he had heard Remus correctly or not. "I beg your pardon. Did you say a tea towel?"

Remus flushed once again, but nodded. "Odd, isn't it? I haven't been sleeping well - you might guess why. Wrestling with myself over what I wanted, what I believed, where I wanted to be. The Abbot and I had a talk about a week after you left, and his words kept going around inside my head, about me not having faith in myself, that I had been almost too complacent in my place in the Abbey." 

He stopped for a moment, smiling ruefully. "The Abbot sounded a bit like you did, actually, when you first attacked me for choosing the monastic life, only he wasn't quite so snarky. Anyway, I was up very early this morning, thinking about faith, about what it means to me, about whether I could ever believe in my choices, no matter what they were. I went into the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea, still mulling it over, and I wasn't paying attention and spilled it all over the counter. I grabbed up the tea towel from over the sink to mop up, and that's when I noticed the towel was one of those with a saying embroidered on it. 'The Greatest of These is Love.' Do you know the quote, Severus?"

Severus listened intently, curious about this business with the tea towel; he felt hope blooming anew - Remus was here, after all - but he wasn't going to celebrate yet, not until he knew for certain what Remus had decided. Remus hadn't actually said he had given up the monastic life and wanted to give Severus a chance; perhaps he had taken his vows and had decided to let Severus down in person, or perhaps he had decided not to join the monastery but that he didn't want to be with Severus either.

"It sounds familiar," he replied, watching Remus cautiously. "But I couldn't recite the entire quote if called upon to do so."

"It's from Corinthians," Remus replied. "I couldn't remember the entire verse either, and I dropped the towel and went running back to my room. I grabbed my Bible, and opened it... and there it was. The answer I think I knew in my heart, but didn't have the faith in myself to trust."

Moving his hand, Remus laid it atop Severus', and then he spoke again. A gentle smile curved his lips, and his voice was soft with reverence.

"'If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.'

"'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.'

"'Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.'

"'And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.'"

Remus fell silent, and he gazed at Severus earnestly. "When I thought of love, Severus, I didn't think of God. I thought of you. And that's why I am here. You offered me love, and I want to have it. With you."

 

"Oh..." Severus gazed at him in utter surprise, hearing the words but not quite believing them. Remus was here with him, wanted to be with him... What he had hoped for had come true at last. His brain finally kicked his body into gear, and he clasped Remus' hands between his own, squeezing them gently. 

"Then you shall have it," he said at last, his voice roughened with emotion, and he lifted Remus' hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of each. "All that I have to give."

Relief washed over Remus in a warm wave, and he leaned toward Severus, clinging tightly to his hands. His skin tingled from the touch of Severus' lips, and his eyes darkened with the depth of his feelings. "I can't promise to be as perfect as the verse, nor do I really expect you to be either," Remus said, one corner of his lips twitching. "But I think it could be good for us, if we both try. Our shared sins of anger and pride will just have to take second place to that, don't you think?"

"Yes." Severus lowered their joined hands, but he still grasped Remus' tightly, not eager to let go. This was so sudden, so unexpected, and he could scarcely believe it was real. He half-expected to wake up and find himself in the chair by the window, alone again. "I imagine it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever came easily."

"No, not easy, but worth it," Remus agreed. "You wanted all of me rather than none, and now you have it." He stopped, and then he gazed at Severus, head inclined and eyes sparkling with mischief. He felt younger and freer than he had in years, and it was all because of this man, who knew him better than he knew himself. 

"Well, aren't you going to kiss me, Severus?" he asked. "No hands-off proscriptions now. Unless you are wanting to wait until our wedding night, that is."

Severus leaned forward, but he stopped short of kissing Remus, feeling oddly hesitant; he had the inexplicable feeling that he was about to sully Remus in some way. It hadn't concerned him that first night, when he had kissed Remus with unabashed desire, but after a week of seeing Remus immersed in his vocation, it wasn't quite as easy to view him as a secular being again.

"You were mere hours away from promising yourself to God," he said, wry amusement in his voice. "I'm not going to be struck by lightning for this, am I?"

Severus' sudden reticence was as endearing as it was surprising, and Remus shook his head. "No. I'm a free man, able to give my love and my body where I choose. I would very much like to give them to you - and if God wants to strike us both for that, at least we'll be together. But since Abbot Young has given us his blessing, somehow I think we're safe."

With a soft sigh, Remus closed his eyes, and then he closed the distance between them. Their lips met, and Remus smiled into the kiss, enjoying the first taste of what he hoped was a great many more kisses to come.

Releasing one of Remus' hands, Severus lifted his own to cup Remus' cheek as he returned the kiss. It was a relief to know the Abbot wasn't angry with either of them, but it wasn't terribly surprising; he had struck Severus as being wise and compassionate rather than hidebound, the fact that he welcomed Wizards and werewolves into the monastery a testimony to his open-mindedness. 

Severus pulled back from the kiss and cleared his throat as he lowered his hand. "I suppose we ought to discuss the practicalities," he said. "I realize this has all happened rather quickly, so if you would prefer to stay in the guest bedroom for a while, I understand. You've been away from the world for so long, and I don't want to push you into anything you aren't ready for." He gestured at the room, encompassing it in a sweeping gesture. "But my home is your home, and I want you to treat it as such." He squeezed Remus' hand tightly. "You belong here now."

Severus' concern for him was touching, and Remus appreciated it greatly. But he was as wholehearted about his commitment to a life with Severus as he was about his faith. More so, since he had faced his doubts and made his choice with a heart that was now complete. 

"Thank you," he said, turning his head to press his lips against Severus' palm, and then looking back at him once again. "But I'm ready. I wouldn't have come here if I wasn't. The abbey was a place of refuge, but I didn't enter it and suddenly regain my lost virtue. It _has_ been a long time since I've made love with anyone, and I wouldn't say that I'm exactly the most experienced man of my age you'll ever meet, but I'm not innocent either." 

Something occurred to him, and Remus chuckled. "You know, Severus, it might sound odd, but I didn't even realize you were gay, as closed off as you've always seemed." Reaching up, Remus stroked Severus' cheek. "Are you still inclined to hide so much of yourself from the world now? You said you'd had your own epiphany. Did you fight it as much as I did mine?"

"No," Severus replied. "But my epiphany had nothing to do with my homosexuality. I came to terms with that long ago. It simply wasn't something I allowed to become public knowledge since it could be used against me."

He fell silent for a moment, trying to decide how best to explain what he had gone through after the war ended. "After I was pardoned, I was at something of a loss. I'd spent twenty years with a single purpose in mind: defeating the Dark Lord. Then it was done, and suddenly the thing that had defined my life and my faith for so long was gone. I was adrift - no job, no purpose. My faith was shaken, for now I no longer had such concrete surety in the purpose of my life. It felt as if my time had passed, and I was no longer needed, yet I was still facing a long life ahead of me. I began to wonder if perhaps I should have died in the war. I even began to wonder if I should put an end to it myself."

He glanced sidelong at Remus, hoping Remus wouldn't think less of him for admitting to such weakness. "Then the Ministry approached me. I was offered a job in Magical Law Enforcement as a Hit Wizard, and I realized that just because the Dark Lord had been vanquished didn't mean my life was useless, much less over. That was my epiphany - that I am still needed to do what my faith calls me to do. There is still evil in the world, and I will continue to stand against it."

Remus nodded, understanding exactly what Severus meant about the end of the war leaving him at a loss. He had been in similar straits, although his doubt and pain had led him in a completely different direction. 

"That's a very laudable thing to do," he replied. "You're right - there is always evil, and there always will be, but that path never even occurred to me. I'm so glad you found a purpose to continue, and I suspect you are very good at it, aren't you? Have you given up potions completely, then, or do you still find time for your own researches?"

"I keep my hand in," Severus said, nodding. "In my current position, I'm on call, summoned when there's a need, and I go in two or three times per week to handle paperwork, but I'm not required to be there every day, so I have time to pursue my own interests."

He paused, a thought suddenly occurring to him. "Have you given any thought to what you might like to do? I imagine sitting around the house all day isn't an appealing option. The laws that Umbridge woman pushed through have been repealed - Potter's doing, as much as it pains me to give him any sort of credit - and the werewolf employment laws aren't as stringent as they used to be. I can help you find something, perhaps."

"Sounds like an excellent position for you," Remus said, and then he bit his lip. He hadn't thought of what to do outside the abbey himself, and he chuckled. "You know, it never occurred to me about having a job, although I suppose that it should have. I was too focussed on the temptation that is you. But I had heard about the laws, although it didn't really register to me, since I was rather out of the loop by then." 

He considered for a moment, and then he looked at Severus with a dawning hope. "Do you think, maybe, that I could teach again? That was one of the things that drew me to the abbey initially, you know. I was going to be a teacher in the boy's school. It doesn't have to be at Hogwarts, either," he said hastily. "If I could find a Muggle school, I'd be just as content."

"If that is what you want to do, we will find a way to make it happen," Severus replied, his voice filled with determination. He wanted to make certain Remus had no cause to regret leaving the abbey, that his life was satisfying and fulfilling, that he had everything he had thought to find at the abbey and more. He wanted to make certain Remus didn't regret choosing him.

"I'd like that." Remus couldn't resist leaning forward to kiss Severus again, wanting the contact, the taste and scent of Severus calling to his heart in ways he had never believed possible. When he pulled back, his smile was radiant. "Thank you for everything, Severus. I'm looking forward to discovering everything in my new life. A job, a home... but especially you."

Severus lifted his hand to stroke Remus' cheek with his forefinger; the sight of his smile was reassuring, and Severus silently vowed not to give Remus any cause for remorse. "I hope it all proves satisfactory," he said quietly. "You've given up much to be here, and I hope you never have cause to regret it. I promised you a home, stability, and a place to belong, and I will strive to keep that promise and make your sacrifices worthwhile."

"Thank you," Remus repeated. He had no illusions about the future; he knew they would have disagreements, hurt feelings, and times where they would probably drive one another crazy, but he could deal with that easily. So long as they had faith in each other, they could work anything out.

Rising to his feet, Remus held out a hand to Severus, his smile becoming beguiling. "It's getting late, and we've both had a very long day. Would you object if we put the rest of our plans and touring the house off until tomorrow? I'd very much like to be with you, Severus, if that's all right. To show you just how much faith I have in you and the path I have chosen."

Severus clasped Remus' hand and stood, a little niggle of uncertainty plaguing him. Had he done the right thing in luring Remus away from the Church? What if things went horribly wrong? And how in the hell was he supposed to have sex with someone who had almost become a monk? His week at the monastery had given him a different perspective on Remus, and it was difficult to shake it now. Remus had put faith in him, but he was finding his own a little wobbly at the moment.

"Certainly." He led Remus to the stairs, clinging tightly to his hand. "Although if you're tired after all that traveling, I understand. As I said, I have no desire to rush you." 

Remus didn't have to be a Legilimens to see Severus' uncertainty, and he could guess the source. He knew Severus desired him; he had sensed it in the passion of their very first kiss. No doubt the reality of Remus' time in the abbey had affected Severus, setting Remus apart in his mind as a monk, rather than as a man. Remus would have to reassure Severus this time, for Remus had every intention of starting as he meant to go on.

They reached the top of the stairs and entered the bedroom, a very masculine room done in dark wood and deep, rich colors like those of stained glass. Remus glanced briefly at the dresser and wardrobe, the throw rugs which graced the floor, before letting his eyes settle on the huge, curtained four poster bed which dominated the room. 

"Mmm, lovely," Remus said, taking the lead this time and walking over to the bed. "I like your taste, Severus. In every way."

Craning up, Remus slid his free hand behind Severus' neck, pulling Severus down so that he could skim his tongue over Severus' lips teasingly. "I don't want to rush _you_ into anything you aren't ready for," he said, his breath ghosting over Severus' lips.

Remus let the wolf rise up within him, releasing the tight control he had kept over it for years. His eyes glowed with desire, and his voice took on a husky growl. "However, I want you to know that I am a man, not a monk," he said, pressing his body against Severus' so that Severus could feel him. "You cannot profane me, or violate me, or take from me anything which I do not wish to give you with every fiber of my being. I'm yours now, Severus. I would very much like for you to take me, to possess me in every sense of the word. When we are joined, there will not be any room for doubt between us."

The sight of the wolf in Remus' eyes made Severus' breath catch in his throat, the growling undercurrent in Remus' voice creating a pool of simmering desire in the pit of his stomach. He could feel Remus' breath on his lips, heard Remus' words of reassurance and desire - quite a difference from Remus' demands that Severus not touch him at the monastery.

But things were indeed different now. Remus had chosen him, wanted his touch, wanted him, and the old rules no longer applied. He thought about that first night and the way he hadn't hesitated to unleash his desire for Remus. He needed to remember that and draw on it; Remus was his now, by Remus' own admission, and Severus didn't want a sudden, annoying prudishness getting in the way.

Bending his head, he sought to rid himself of memories of that week at the monastery, focusing on the present as he brushed his lips against Remus'; the past was over and done with, and the future remained to be seen. This moment was everything.

Releasing Remus' hand, he slid his arms around Remus' waist, holding Remus close and focusing on the solid warmth of Remus' body pressed against his, marveling at the way they seemed to fit together.

Desire without guilt or remorse felt better than Remus remembered, and he moaned at the feeling of Severus' hard, lean body against his and the sensation of Severus' arms enveloping him. He moved both arms around Severus' shoulders, arching into Severus as if determined to feel the contact along every inch of his body. Parting his lips, he skimmed his tongue over Severus' lips again, seeking entrance, growling deep in his chest as the wolf reacted to the heady taste of desire. 

Severus' desire was stoked by the sound and the feel of Remus' growl, and he snaked his tongue out to meet Remus'; he clenched his fingers on Remus' back as he pulled Remus even closer as if trying to merge their bodies, and he unleashed a low growl of his own as he deepened the kiss, demanding more.

Remus' eyes practically rolled back in his head as Severus seemed to lose his inhibitions and began to kiss Remus with the same passion he had shown that first night. Their tongues twined in a sensual duel, tasting and exploring, teasing and tormenting. The wolf responded to the fierceness, making Remus burn and ache with a need he had denied for far too long.

Breaking away from the kiss with a gasp, Remus gazed up at Severus with undisguised hunger. "I want you so much," he said roughly, lifting his hands to stroke through Severus' hair as he tilted his own head back to bare his throat. "I want you, and the wolf wants you, too. We're yours, Severus. You freed us, and now we belong to you."

Lifting his hand, Severus ran his fingertips along the length of Remus' throat, sobered by the implications of Remus' words. He had forced his way into Remus' life, and as a result, Remus had made serious changes. But it had been Remus' choice to do so, and the sight of Remus gazing at him with such burning need and baring his throat made Severus' possessiveness flare hot and strong. Remus was his, and he wanted to seal their new vow. 

He trailed his lips along Remus' throat, breathing in his warm scent, and then he bit down and sucked hungrily, savoring the taste of Remus' skin as he left his mark. 

Remus panted as Severus stroked his throat, the feeling of fingers and lips on his sensitive skin causing the burning pool of need within him to blaze into a conflagration. Then Severus' teeth were marking him, and the pleasurable pain wrung a sharp cry from his throat, his hands clenching in Severus' hair as he held Severus in place, never wanting the feeling to end.

"Yours," he gasped, as the wolf within him whimpered its eagerness for more. "All yours."

Lifting his head, Severus gazed down at Remus, his dark eyes glittering with desire as he studied his handiwork with satisfaction. "Yes, mine," he murmured as he began unbuttoning Remus' shirt, tugging impatiently when the little buttons thwarted him.

Pushing the folds of the shirt open, he drank in the sight of Remus' bared torso, and he reached out to push the shirt over Remus' shoulders and down his arms, darting his tongue out to lick his lips. He had imagined undressing Remus countless times, but the reality far outstripped anything his imagination had envisioned. He caressed Remus' chest lightly, skimming his palms over the warm skin, memorizing every plane and angle.

The sight of the want in Severus eyes made the wolf smug, and Remus grinned ferally as Severus began to tug at his shirt. He shivered in delight at the hunger in Severus' eyes and the feeling of Severus' fingers exploring him. Remus' chest was scarred, but somehow he felt no self-consciousness with Severus, knowing that Severus wanted him and had gone to extraordinary lengths to get him.

Suddenly impatient for more, Remus reached down to grasp the front of Severus' robes. He didn't even try to touch the endless row of tiny buttons which held the garment closed; he merely pulled with the strength granted by his curse, sending the buttons careening around the room like missiles. The destruction had the desired effect, baring Severus' skin, and with a growl of satisfaction, Remus leaned forward, running his tongue up the center of Severus' chest from sternum to the base of his throat.

Severus gasped at the rasp of Remus' warm tongue against his skin, a shiver rippling down his spine, and he wasted no time in shrugging out of his robes, letting them fall to the floor in an untidy heap. He stepped back from Remus and stripped away his shoes and socks, and then he rested his hands on Remus' hips, kneading playfully for a moment before reaching for the fastening of Remus' jeans. 

Despite years of celibacy, Remus found himself responding eagerly to Severus, not feeling shy in the least about being bare before him. He let the shirt fall away from his shoulders, and then he stepped out of his shoes as Severus' hands moved to his jeans.

He moaned softly as Severus unfastened them, and then, anxious, he stripped off both jeans and boxers in a single motion. Lifting his hands, he raked his nails lightly down Severus' chest and abdomen, smugly pleased at the pink trails left in their wake. 

"So perfect," he murmured, smiling up at Severus, eyes molten with desire. "You are everything that I could possibly want." 

Severus gave a quiet "hmph", a little taken aback by the intensity of Remus' response to him; it was a far cry from what he had seen before and from what he had expected, but it seemed Severus had inadvertently unleashed more than he anticipated. He remembered how aggressive he had been on that first night, but so much had changed since then and so quickly too, and while it seemed Remus was more than ready to bound ahead, Severus was trying to catch up. 

But here was Remus, standing naked and eager before him, and the molten pool of desire in the pit of his stomach erupted into full-fledged volcano. This was everything _he_ could have wanted too, and he could scarcely believe he did indeed have it after the long, disappointing wait of the day. 

He stripped off his own underpants and added them to the pile of discarded clothing on the floor, and then he climbed onto the bed, holding out his arms to Remus, letting Remus know he was welcome.

The sight of Severus' open arms was beautiful to Remus, an invitation to far more than sex. As wonderful as it would be, and as eager as Remus was for it, he was even more touched by the significance of being welcomed into Severus' life, and - hopefully! - into Severus' heart. Those words had not yet been spoken between them, not completely, but Remus had faith in the emotion even without the words.

He moved onto the bed, and then he crawled his way up Severus' body, laying down beside him, head pillowed on Severus' shoulder, one arm and leg thrown over Severus' body possessively. It felt so good, so right, and Remus turned his head to press his lips against Severus', a kiss of gratitude for all that Severus had risked to bring them to this point. 

Enfolding Remus in his arms, Severus returned the kiss gently and with equal gratitude for Remus having been willing to take a chance on him - on them. He rolled toward Remus so he could deepen the kiss, slipping his tongue between Remus' lips to taste and explore at a leisurely pace as he lifted his hand and stroked Remus' hair.

The feel of Remus' warm, bare skin against his was an exquisite pleasure, one he wanted to savor, and he shifted closer, bringing their bodies into closer alignment as the kiss continued, slow and deep. He slid his hand down the length of Remus' back, fingers splayed as he memorized Remus' body with every caress, wanting to learn where to touch to give him pleasure. This beautiful, beloved body was his now - his alone to touch and to claim and to worship - and he wanted to know every inch it as well as he knew his own. 

The press of their bodies, the taste of Severus, the feeling of Severus' hand stroking his back, all were exquisite gifts that Remus accepted eagerly. Their tongues twined, and Remus moaned into the kiss, his own hands caressing the line of Severus' hip and the curve of his arse. Remus had never been kissed like this, as though Severus wanted to discover every part of him, and Remus gave himself over to it completely, never wanting it to end.

Severus felt so right in his arms, firm and warm, his skin a smooth delight to Remus' hands. He wanted to make Severus burn the way that he burned, and Remus moved restlessly in the embrace, seeking to enflame Severus as he was being enflamed.

Rolling until Remus was pinned beneath him, Severus settled between Remus' legs and rocked his hips at a maddeningly slow pace, teasing Remus, yet letting him feel exactly how much Severus desired him. Bending his head, he left a trail of nibbles, licks and kisses along the length of Remus' throat, making his way lower, feasting - glutting - his senses on Remus, his own arousal spiraling ever higher.

The weight of Severus pressing him into the mattress was wonderful, and it only became better when Severus began to torment him with deliberately slow undulations. He wanted Severus so much, and he wrapped his arms around Severus' shoulders, arching up and trying to pull him closer as Severus teased him with lips and teeth and tongue.

"Severus," he hissed, throwing his head back on the pillow and wrapping his legs around Severus' hips, locking him in place. He could feel the wolf howling to be set free, and he let it, a deep growl rumbling in his chest as he stared up at Severus with hunger. "I want you... all of you."

With a swift, hard kiss to Remus' lips, Severus lifted himself up just enough to stretch out his hand and summon his wand. His own voice was deep and rough as he muttered the spells to prepare Remus, and then he tossed his wand aside carelessly. But even as hungry and desperate as he was, he knew it had been a long time since Remus had been with anyone, and he didn't want to be too rough and risk hurting him.

Instead, he positioned himself and eased into Remus' willing body at a gradual pace, watching Remus' face intently for any sign that it was too much; he filled Remus with agonizingly slow thrust, and by the time he was fully seated, he was panting with the effort of holding himself in check, the feel of Remus' tight body sheathing him wrenching a deep groan from his throat.

"Yes!" Remus gasped, going utterly still as Severus moved into him. It felt wonderful, the slow, sure joining, and Remus let the perfection of it overwhelm him, the sound of Severus' pleasure giving him fierce satisfaction.

"So good, Severus," he growled, tightening his legs around Severus. Reaching up with one hand, he brushed his fingers over Severus' cheek, and then he curved it behind Severus' neck, arching up to claim Severus' lips in a hard kiss.

Severus returned the kiss, claiming Remus' mouth as he had claimed Remus' body, and with a sharp nip of Remus' bottom lip, he broke away and began to move, setting a steady rhythm that sent him deep with each thrust. Bracing himself on one hand, he slid his free hand between their bodies and curled his fingers around Remus, stroking him firmly as he gazed down at Remus, drinking in the sight of his face suffused with pleasure.

"God...." The word might have been a prayer, ripped heartfelt from the depths of Remus' soul. Severus was everywhere - in him, around him - until Remus felt filled to overflowing with the sensation of him. His entire body was flushed and aching for Severus' touch, soothed only as Severus stroked him and filled him and pushed him to the brink of ecstasy. It was all Remus could do to hold on for dear life as Severus drove them both higher and higher. His hands clenched on Severus' shoulders as he suddenly hurtled over the precipice, arching backward and crying out Severus' name as he shattered into a million fragments of pure light.

The sound of his name on Remus' lips was enough to push Severus over the edge, the sight of Remus' pleasure making his desire spiral out of control; he drove deep one last time before his release swept over him, and he cried out as he let go, finding all the absolution he needed in Remus' arms.

Easing away carefully, he summoned his wand and cleaned up himself and Remus with a charm before tossing his wand aside once more and gathering Remus into his arms, curling himself around Remus protectively and nestling close.

Remus watched as Severus came undone in his arms, his soul crying out with joy at the sight. He knew it was more than a physical union between them, that the pleasure they gave one another and the completion they shared bound them as deeply as a vow. He waited with a smile of pure radiance as Severus cleaned them up, and then he welcomed Severus into his embrace, wrapping his arms around Severus with a feeling like coming home. His heart and soul were home now; he had no doubt of that, and he would protect and cherish Severus with deepest devotion.

Running his hands slowly over the sweat-damp skin of Severus' back, Remus relaxed in the haven of Severus' arms. He nuzzled his nose against Severus' ear, and then he gave a low, rich chuckle of pure happiness. "I found him whom my soul loveth; I held him, and would not let him go."

The words left Severus far more relaxed and content than even their lovemaking had done; it had been far more satisfying than with any other partner in his life, but knowing Remus was happy and had no regrets was a profound relief. 

Tightening his arms around Remus, he pressed a tender kiss to Remus' forehead. "All things considered, that ought to be my line."

"Mmm... I'm not greedy. I'll share," Remus replied, closing his eyes and letting the warmth of Severus' kiss wash over him like a benediction. He sighed in contentment, his body relaxing as at long last he felt his inner peace returning. It was even better now than it had been before, for now he had Severus to share it with.

"I'll have to go to Mass in the morning, you know," he said suddenly, opening one eye and looking at Severus, lips curved in a soft smile. "I'll have to confess to having carnal knowledge outside of marriage vows and do penance for it. It's going to be hard, too. Very hard."

"Well, that's what you get for sinning," Severus replied in a mock-righteous tone.

He propped himself up on one elbow and gazed down at Remus, his expression turning somber. When he had approached Remus at the monastery, his thoughts of the future had been vague, extending not much beyond convincing Remus to give him a chance. Frankly, he'd thought the wooing and winning process would go at a far more leisurely pace, and that things were happening so quickly was something of a surprise. He hadn't thought about marriage, but the idea didn't unsettle him; on the contrary, it seemed like the natural thing to do. He had won Remus' heart, and he was selfish enough to want to keep it. 

"I suppose I'll have to make an honest man out of you as soon as possible," he said, tracing the length of Remus' nose with his forefinger. "I can't have you living in sin, and since I want to have carnal knowledge of you as often as possible, I don't want to be the cause of you doing penance constantly." 

A flush of pleasure stole over Remus's entire body, and his smile was beatific. "If that is a proposal, Severus Snape, then I accept. Wholeheartedly - and not because I care about living in sin or about doing penance. I would happily do both, if it means having you. I merely meant that it would be hard because you're supposed to be repentant for your sins, but loving you and expressing that love isn't something I'd be ever be able to properly regret."

He paused, then chuckled again. "Although penance means being on my knees a great deal, you know. And if I were down there already..."

Severus let out a snort and shook his head. "And so the cycle of sinning and penance would be never-ending." He lifted his hand to cup Remus' cheek, lightly tracing Remus' smile with his thumb. "No, you'll simply have to marry me. You said you would, and I will hold you to it."

"I'll do it happily," Remus replied, pursing his lips to kiss Severus' teasing thumb. "Mmm... when would you like to do it, then? Perhaps in the interest of efficiency, I'll hold off going to confession until just before the ceremony. If, that is, you are willing to indulge in a bit more sinning before then." Remus lowered his lashes coyly, but beneath them, his eyes glittered with a hint of wolfish hunger.

It was tempting to suggest that they hold off on indulging themselves further until after they were legally wed and the act was no longer a sin; Severus didn't view it as sinful himself, but he didn't take Remus' faith and practices lightly, and he didn't want to see Remus having to perform penance for something neither of them were sorry for having done in the first place.

However, the way Remus was looking at him now was also tempting, and he found his throat suddenly going dry. Somehow, he didn't think his respect for Remus' faith would be able to withstand his desire for Remus - especially if Remus was siding with desire too.

"I think we should do it as soon as possible." He paused, realizing the possible implications of what he had said, and then he added, "Get married, I mean. Somehow, I doubt I'll be able to resist indulging in a bit more sinning. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak - and you are far greater a temptation than anything the serpent could have offered."

Severus' words were too much for Remus could resist, and he rubbed one of his legs against Severus', teasing and beguiling. "And you're more tempting than the serpent himself," he replied huskily, licking his lips as desire began to burn within him once again. "Tomorrow, then, marriage... but for tonight, I think we've both earned a little sin."

Reaching up, Remus pulled Severus down toward him, parting his lips and kissing Severus as though he wanted to steal the very breath from his body. Tomorrow they would sanctify their union, but tonight was also about love, about coming together and sharing and healing. No matter the strictures of his religion, Remus couldn't truly feel that anything so perfect was a sin; and as the Abbot had said, Remus doubted that God would condemn them for enjoying the gift of love that He had so generously given them.

Enjoy it he would, and so would Severus - in that he had all the faith in the world.

Fin


End file.
